Fairytales and Margaritas

Four kids will change you

It's true what they say about parents becoming more lax with subsequent kids. 

The whole thing about being neurotic for your first born and easing up a little with the next, etc. etc.

I'm here to tell you that having four will change your life DRASTICALLY.  To quote a good friend (although she was talking about her third) " the last one pulled the stick out of my ass when he came out". 

That has been SO true for me.  I  know I've mentioned my anal, OCD ways before.  I was still this way with three kids.  Our playroom was highly organized with labeled bins and shelves.  My motto was "a place for everything and everything in it's place". 

I was great at remembering where I'd put things or who I'd loaned things to.  I always knew where the binky was, never lost a sippy cup, always had the diaper bag with me.  I managed this with three kids, but the fourth one broke the bank.

I no longer can find anything.  We go through pacifiers like water, I throw out sippy cups on a weekly basis.  And I don't even care about the house anymore. 

I used to mop at least once a week and I would pick up the living room every single day.  I couldn't stand to see things out of place.  Now, eh, if the floor gets mopped once a month I give myself a high five.  If the toys are put away one day a week I'm ecstatic. 

Candy falls on the floor, go ahead and eat it.  No five second rule here.  You could find an M&M a week later and I'll let you eat it.  Want to play in the toilet?  I won't pour Purell all over your whole body, probably just a quick little bath.  Want to play with bugs?  Go right ahead.  Want to eat some dirt?  It'll make you stronger.

Seriously, I just CAN'T be anal anymore.  There isn't enough time or energy.  But, you know what?  I think I'm a better parent NOW.  I can just relax.  I'm not constantly trying to get the next thing done while life is being lived.  I'm not trying to protect everyone from everything while they're trying to have fun. 

I can finally just live in the moment instead of trying to make the moment the best moment ever while losing site of what really matters.

Parenting Advice #2

Again, here's my disclaimer- I am not a perfect parent.  I don't know everything.  But, I have learned some things along the way and I'd like to share another one of my little tips.

Here's a big one in our house:  Delegate, delegate, delegate.  I firmly believe in the power of delegation.  No, I haven't made my children my slaves (or maids as they like to refer to it).  But, they have to "earn their keep" so to speak.  We don't run a hotel or a restaurant.  Everyone has to pull their own weight.  I honestly believe that this makes them better people.  I think it helps them become productive citizens of society.  I cannot stand some of these people that think they are entitled to things and they don't have to lift a finger.

I teach them to prepare their own meals at a really young age.  As soon as they can reach the fridge, they're making their own lunches and sometimes breakfasts.  My kids pack their own lunches as soon as they start school.  Some people are amazed at this.  They want to know how I "do it".  It's not rocket science, I show them how and then expect them to do it.  I don't coddle them.  Sure, I'll help them spread the peanut butter if they need it, but I won't just do it all for them.  And I teach them what is an acceptable lunch.  Candy and pudding do not make a healthy lunch.  They typically have a sandwich, chips and a piece of fruit.  I ask for their input when shopping and buy their favorite lunch meats and fruits. 

They also dress themselves pretty much from the age of 3.  Sure, they need help here and there.  But, they pick out the clothes and most of the time get them on. 

They also do their own laundry.  Ok, maybe not when they're 3, but they learn young.  Although our 3 year old does put his own clothes in the hamper.  When they are about 5 they have to put their own clothes away.  I don't expect them to be folded, they're kids I don't care if their clothes are wrinkled.  Once a week they are expected to put their clothes in the proper drawer.  At around 10 they start doing their own laundry.  We stumbled across this one when Carissa started leaving markers and lip gloss in her pockets.  Everyone's wash was coming out stained, so she had to wash her own.  It's worked out really well.  So well that this year she started having the wash all the family's towels too. 

They also clean their own messes, including their rooms, the playroom, any mess in the kitchen, outside or in the garage.  Most of the time they don't need to clean every day, we usually have a set day each week to clean specific rooms.  When they clean the room it means top to bottom, under beds, in the closet and vacuuming.  Sure, it's not perfect each time, but as they get older, they get better. 

The kids also share a bathroom.  This is their responsibility.  Robert cleans the toilets (he actually loves this job, more power to him) and Carissa cleans the shower and sinks.  I still clean the mirror. 

The dog is solely their responsibility.  They feed him, water him, wash him and clean up after him. 

When we are doing a whole house cleaning, they chip in even more.  Carissa sweeps floors, vacuums, does trash duty and sometimes does the dishes.  Robert does a lot of the toy pick up and is my right hand man.  Xander does a lot of the running from room to room with stuff that needs to be put in it's correct place.

Now, you might see this and think they really ARE my slaves.  But, they're not.  We have specific days that specific jobs need to be done.  And most of the jobs that they do involve their own things.  We're trying to teach them to be responsible with their things and take care of them.  We're also trying to teach them that if they keep their things picked up then the job isn't so bad down the road.   If I picked up after them all the time I can imagine how much messier the playroom would be.

There is one lesson to be learned from delegation, though.  The kids DO NOT do a perfect job.  This is something that you have to learn to live with.  If you want perfect then you are going to have to run yourself ragged and do it all yourself.  If you can settle for acceptable, but the fact that you didn't have to bust your ass, then delegation is for you.

For us, I almost think it's a survival technique.  We've got six people in one house.  I can't do it all.  Even with my husband's help we just can't do it.  It's more like survival of the fittest, where I'm teaching my children to be the fittest!

THE Plan

Do you have a PLAN?  Have you written it down?  Was it hard?  Have you had one for long?

My husband and I don't have a plan.  Or a Will in other words.

It's one of those things that you put off and put off.  I mean, seriously, who wants to think about their own death?  And how in the world do you decide what you want for your children if you were to die?  Seriously.  I don't even want it to approach the outer circles of my thoughts. 

But, we've got to be responsible.  Both of our families have "issues", so we'd like to spell things out as clearly as possible.  N0 sense in letting the crazies decide for themselves!  Plus, we're done having children and we've moved into our "forever home".  So, things should be pretty stable from here on out (knock on wood).

Luckily with my husband's job they stress how important having a will is.  Especially for people in law enforcement.  So, they are providing free services to get our wills drawn up.  We have appointments on the 26th.

But, oh, the things we have to think about up until that point.  And the decisions that must be made.  Who will care for the children?  How do we want our vast wealth (insert sarcastic giggle here) split up?  Who will be pissed off the most at our decisions?

Just thinking about those things brings up images of life without me or us.  And it's not pretty.  I'm no saint, but YIKES!  To think of others raising the kids that WE decided to bring into this world.  That WE know best.  That WE have shaped and molded.  Ugh, it's a scary thought.

So, while we're going to be responsible and talk about it and formalize it.  I pray that the kids are old and married with grandchildren of their own before they ever have to see our wills!

Parenting Advice #1

I'm no expert on parenting. I'll make that really clear. But, I have picked up some tidbits during this 13+ year trek. I figured I might share some of these little bits of sanity with you all, seeing as I've received most of them from my good friends. Most of the time, I say, "Whatever works!" Things may sound weird or totally off the wall, but some of them really do work.

Today I'll share my way to get teenagers to open up. Our problem started in the pre-teen years, about two years ago. We were getting to the point where we always got one word answers. Sometimes we'd even be shunned when trying to talk about embarrassing or controversial things. We'd hear, "Ugh, I don't want to talk about it."

Great! I always hope that I'll be that "cool" mom that my kids will feel comfortable talking to about anything. (Maybe not everything, but most things.) It crushed me to get the cold shoulder. I really wanted to be better and breakthrough to her.

So, where did I go? To my online mommy friends, of course. And one of them told me something that worked for her sister. And lo and behold, it does. And it's simple.

Just get a notebook. And leave it available at all times. And let your child know it's there and that it's always open for them to leave notes about what's bothering them or if they want to talk about something that's uncomfortable talking face to face.

I swear, it works like a charm. Pretty much every discussion we've ever had about sex has been in that notebook. But, that's fine with me, because there have been plenty. And if this is the way it needs to be done, at least it's getting done. We've had some two hour long "discussions" this way. Passing the notebook back and forth.

I think it's just a really non-threatening situation. She's in her room, I'm where ever. There's no "tone" to the writing. No raised voices. No crazy faces and rolled eyes. No judgement. We each actually take the time to think our thoughts through and then write them down.

We've had some major things happen this year. Most are chronicled in that notebook. I'm not sure if I'll save it or not. I'm sure it'd embarrass the hell out of her when she gets older.

But, for now, it works. And for that I'm thankful!