Sometimes I wonder how the person I've become meshes with the person that I am. Most of you will say that they are one in the same, and they probably are. But, in my mind I am a different person than the person that I've become. Maybe my mind is just slow on the uptake. Maybe I live in the past. I don't know.
Most of the time, I'm happy with who I've become and what I've accomplished. But, sometimes I play the "what if" game. And sometimes I wonder if THIS is who I really am.
Sometimes I want to peel all the layers of who I've become and find out what's underneath. I want to shed my mother skin, my wife skin, my worker skin. I just want to be ME without all the expectations. Without all the "baggage". But, I can't even begin to figure out who that person is. I just know that some days I don't want to BE all those things.
Some days I don't want to be the responsible, organized, honest, politically correct, humble, caring person. Sometimes I want to blurt out inappropriate things or tell people to shut up. Sometimes I don't want to have sex and don't want to feel guilty about it. Sometimes I don't want to get people dressed, fed, etc. Sometimes I just want to take care of myself without worrying about what others are doing, thinking, saying.
But, this person that I am cannot do that. Ever. Sure, I take time for myself. I read a book. I get my nails done. But, my mind is going the whole time. And I have to set things up ahead of time. What will the kids be doing. When can I go when I'm not working. Etc, etc. Sometimes I don't want to worry about that stuff. Sometimes I want to be selfish.
The closest I come to this is when I go out with the girls. And I think this is true of most women in my situation. The only time I can really cut loose without any expectations is when I'm with my girlfriends. And even that's a struggle to make sure the kids are taken care of and we have enough money to go and everyone coordinates their schedules, etc. But, when we're together, we don't expect anything of each other. We all know what it feels like, so we don't put any expectations on each other. We just have a good time. And act juvenile. And politically incorrect. And it feels good. (A lot of people have made reference to the craziness at BlogHer this week, and I think this is why some of us act that way.) But, sometimes when we get back home, it's depressing. Because we can only act like that for a short period of time. Then the "burden" comes back.
And I really truly love my life. But, sometimes it feels like everything is work. And I know that I have to evolve as a person and can't be/act like a teenager for forever. But, sometimes that depresses me. I'm 33 and I've accomplished my "big" goals. I have four kids, a husband, a nice house, a career. What now? I just coast for the next 20 years until we retire? I'm a Gemini, I crave change. I'm not saying I want to get rid of the kids or my husband. But, I feel stagnant sometimes. When I look at the big picture and see the next 20 years repeating the last 10 years I get claustrophobic.
I guess my mind has to come to the realization that who I AM now is ME. And I need to learn to love it. I need to cherish my time with my kids and husband. I need to learn to love the "new" me. I've thought about taking classes here or there and starting new hobbies, but it seems like I just don't have the time or the money. Maybe I just need a vacation!
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