Fairytales and Margaritas

In a Funk

I'm in one of those moods again.  It seems to work on a cycle and about 4 times a year I get in a funk.  I don't think it's anything that I need meds for, but I just hate this feeling.  I just want to sleep and don't feel productive at all.  And now is not the time for it!  I have too much to do.  Yet, I muddle my way through the work day and then get home and don't get anything done.  I don't even look forward to the weekend.  Blah!  I know I've got a lot on my mind right now and maybe if I get it out, it'll make me feel better.  So, humor me.

• This job!  For God's sake, when will I get a start date!  The background investigation has been going on for almost 2 months.  I was offered the job 4 months ago!  And I have very little information about the job itself.  I know my pay, the job title and the location.  I don't know my hours, my days or even what exactly I'll be doing!  They said they were flexible w/ the schedule, so I'm trying not to worry, but I HATE being in flux.  I like to have plans and lists and dates!  It's making it hard to plan the holidays too.  When am I going to start?  Will I be able to take time off for things we've already planned?  I hate, hate, hate being up in the air!
• And because of this, I've been slacking at my current job.  My heart isn't in it right now.  And I think I'm trying to hate it so that it's easier to leave when I have to.  But, it makes the days stretch for forever.  Plus, having only 60 minutes of Internet (in 10 minute blocks that you forfeit if you have to shut down bc maybe your boss needs something) a day is driving me batty!
• I'm a stress spender and have spent too much money this month.  I know I shouldn't, but I do.  I'm trying so hard to get the credit cards paid off, yet I sabotage myself by spending!
• I have to plan Carissa's birthday party and am not motivated at all!  We're doing an Amazing Race theme.  I have lots of ideas, but need to actually put a plan together and get it all done.
• Stupid me decided to MAKE some Christmas presents this year.  Which is really time consuming.  And I'm depending on others to help (like my brothers to send me pictures of their kids) and they don't follow through.  I'm making Grandparent posters for my mom and FIL, yet no one else has sent me their kids pictures!  It's driving me crazy!
• I bought some magazines online in August for Carissa and we still haven't gotten them.  And now I can't find the damn company I ordered through.  The charge on my credit card is very generic.  I think I might dispute the charge, but that's a whole nother thing to do.
• My dermatologist charged me $100 to have a few moles removed.  I know it's wrong bc that's the inpatient surgery rate, but I don't have the energy to fight them about it.
• On the same note, the dentist (who completely mangled my mouth and now I can't eat any cold fruit or vegetables bc it KILLS me) charged us wrong too.  And they don't keep electronic records (WTF?) so I'm going round and round w/ them.
• AND I'm having some lady problems.  I had an ultrasound and some blood drawn and have to go back for a consult.  But, I'm pretty sure the u/s tech saw something.  She got really weird at one point.  And I keep putting off making the consult appt.
• The kids are driving me CRAZY lately.  All they do is bicker all day long.  They go outside and bicker, they go in the bathroom and bicker, in the car they bicker.  They're seriously driving me crazy.  And I don't know how to solve it.  Any tips?  PLEASE?

Other than that, things are all sunshine and rainbows.  My husband has actually been a huge help lately.  And we seem to be on the same wavelength for right now.

I just need to get out of this funk!

Ugh!

So, usually I don't talk much about my In Laws or my husband on here.  There's a reason for that.  My husband is an extremely private person.  He doesn't even like me to talk to my friends in real life about him.  So, I respect that.  And I usually just talk about other things.  And actually, this post isn't even about him.  It's about his parents.

Right off, I will tell you that there are things about them that I appreciate.  They love to watch the kids and are even willing to take all four of them at a time!  Sometimes even overnight!  They take them to the movies often and any time we ask them to watch the kids so we can go out they do.

But, they drive me crazy in so many ways!  Today's incident is just one of them.  ANd it's fresh and I'm frustrated!  And I can't vent to my husband because a) he's heard it all before b) he feels much the same way that I do and c) he thinks I'm being a little crazy this time.

Here's the thing:  my In Laws have been remodeling their "house" for over a year now.  I say "house" because really they would have been better off knocking down what is there now and just redoing the whole thing.  But, instead they've spent tons of money fixing things that will never be right.  But, whatever!  Throughout the whole process they've asked for my advice.  On the layout.  On the architectural changes.  On the flooring.  On the lighting.  You get the idea.  I drive to Home Depot and look at samples with them, I give them my input, I look things up on the Internet for them, I go to the house and help them.  Yet, they ALWAYS do whatever the hell they want to do anyway!  It really doesn't matter what I say.  They still make their own decisions.

So, today they call my cell phone at 2:00.  I couldn't answer at the time and check the voice mail where they don't tell me what they want (they NEVER do) but to call them back.  So, I e-mail my husband and tell him to call them.  (I really try to avoid them.  And I figured they couldn't get ahold of him because his cell phone doesn't work in his work area.)  So, he calls them, then calls me back and says they really wanted to talk to me.  They want help picking out a sofa.  So, then I ask why they called me at 2:00 in the afternoon on a weekday.  He said they didn't know what time I got out of work.  Really?  Really?  I've been working here for YEARS!  I ALWAYS get out at 5:00.  But, whatever. 

Then he goes on to say that the sofa they're looking at is only on sale through Saturday, so they're going to call this evening to see if I can go see it.  So, I ask when they think I'd be able to do that.  He says, "Saturday".  This is where I loose my cool.  I have things to do Saturday!  I work full time, remember?  I have to run all my errands on Saturday.  Along with the soccer game on Saturday morning and trying to get the kids Christmas pictures done.  I don't want to go ALL the way across town to go look at a sofa that I know they're going to buy anyway!  I DON'T WANT TO!

So, my husband gets a bit defensive.  He says that he thought I'd wait for him to get home from work to take the kids pictures so that he could help.  And maybe I would have.  But, maybe not.  If I don't do it in the morning then I have to wait until about 5:00 in the evening so that the light is right (seriously it's still sunny and 90 degrees around here!).  And if I wait I know he won't want to go anyway.

But, the whole point is that I don't want to drive into town to look at a freakin' sofa for someone that's going to do whatever the hell they want to anyway on MY TIME! 

But, I know I'll cave and I'll do it.  And then I'll be resentful of them and my husband for the rest of the weekend.

Way to go me!

Are you trying to insult me?

Because I probably can't tell! 

I think I might be one of the most laid back people in the world, most of the time.  I usually just go about my business in my own merry little way.  I'm pretty confident in most of my abilities as a mom, wife and worker bee.  So, I'm not too insecure or defensive about most things.  Now, I don't think I'm conceited or anything, but just pretty sure of myself in the specific areas of my life where I've decided to excel.  I've got some work to do in many other areas, but for the most part comments that people make about my abilities in these areas roll off my back.  Heck, sometimes I can even laugh at them.

Among friends, I think I'm pretty laid back too.  (Okay, so some of you think I'm a bit anal when it comes to organizing, but I'm talking about social issues!).  I have a very diverse group of friends who have very diverse views about many different issues.  And even when I disagree with someone I don't get my panties in a bunch.  Everyone's entitled to their opinion, right?

Sometimes I wonder if I'm too much of a pushover.  Sometimes I'll tell my husband what someone said to me or that I thought someone was rude.  And he's always telling me that I should just stay away from those people.  But, I don't even think they know they're annoying me!  Because I usually just let it pass.  Sure, I might complain later, but rarely to their face.

Sometimes people think that they've insulted or upset me, but I don't even know it!  It really takes a blatant remark to ruffle my feathers.  And I'm pretty sure that I rarely read into things or get offended when people don't mean it.  I always think the best of people.  My husband says I'm too trusting.  But, I give the benefit of the doubt to begin with.

But, that being said, if you TRY to piss me off, come prepared.   Because I will stand up for myself.  If I know you're being rude or disrespectful to me, watch out, because I don't hold back.  Same goes for those that I'm loyal to.  I will not watch my friends, family or close co-workers get treated badly.  And I will defend with everything I have. 

So, if you think you've insulted me, I'm pretty sure you'd know it.  Before you even have a chance to ask, I'll have let you know!

How old am I?

Too old, I tell you!

Friday night we went to Happy Hour for my friend's birthday.  We went to a little hotel bar where they play a little music and have a little dance floor.  I didn't have much to drink because I knew I'd be driving home later, so only one margaritas (and two shots) for me (and don't worry, later was six hours later).

But, they started playing music and we started dancing and dancing and dancing.  And I still had my heels on from work.  And then we ran out of chairs so I was propping myself up on the table and squatting.  For about an hour.

Needless to say, I'm STILL sore.  I guess I have to start acting my age sometime.  I'm certainly not 21 anymore!

What up G?

So, what do you think of this picture? 

I took it the day after I got my new haircut.  I love my new haircut and wanted to show off the fact that I could actually style it!  I showed it to some friends and then threw it up as my myspace profile pic.  I really like how you can see the front and back and that I actually look halfway decent.

But, I've gotten A LOT of flack for it (yeah, I mean you Monica)!  Everyone says I look really mean in it.  Or that I'm a gangster.  Or that I'm about to kill someone!

I know I'm not smiling, but I feel all cheesy when I'm taking my own picture and I've got a goofy grin on my face.

So, what do you think?  Gang banger or normal soccer mom?

What do YOU do Sunday mornings?

So, a group of my friends and I have been discussing religion.  In detail and great length.  And I just love the frank discussions we can have.  It's really refreshing to be able to tell people exactly how you feel and not feel judged at all.

See, I sleep in on Sunday mornings.  Or get up and get my newspapers, clip my coupons and go grocery shopping.  Or, lay around and watch movies.  Or....  Pretty much anything but go to church. 

Here are my excuses:  it's too hard to get everyone up and ready by 8:30 on a Sunday morning, it's our only day as a "family", when my husband is in the field he often works on Sunday and I'm NOT taking four kids by myself, it's the only day I have to get errands done (my husband works Saturdays and I work full time), it takes ALL day, my husband doesn't want the "fellowship" part, just the worship part, we don't totally agree on what religion we want to be, we haven't found a church we like.

But, my number one reason that I don't go to church is that I'm just not sure I believe.  I don't have blind faith.  I just can't wrap my head around a lot of the ideas in the Bible.  I have a strong scientific background.  That's my forte.  And things with my science education don't jive with things in my religious education.  And I've never been comfortable enough to talk to anyone in "authority" about my thoughts without feeling like they were trying to "convert" me.  I just want some questions answered.

I do have a friend that goes to a pretty progressive church and some of their ideas appeal to me.  They don't believe in a literal six day creation.  More like that's a metaphor.  I also have friends that are Catholic that still believe in evolution.  I need someplace like that.  Someplace that allows women to preach and gay people to worship.  Someplace that doesn't have so many rules about HOW you must worship.  And someplace where people will explain to me what they believe and how my "evidence" of scientific things fit into the whole picture.

AND I need someplace that my husband is comfortable.  He was raised in the Catholic church.  He likes tradition.  I am unwilling to join a Catholic church (that much I know, my extended family is VERY Catholic, that's one church I know I'd rather not join).  He's willing to try other churches, but doesn't really want people accosting him as we go into church or trying to get us to join and get involved in stuff.  Especially on the first day.  That doesn't go over well at all.  Also, he cannot stand "praise bands".  That's way too UNtraditional for him.

Plus, I'd like someplace with Sunday School for the kids and a good youth group (many of my fond memories as a teenager involved our youth group).

If I had a place where we were comfortable, I think I'd find it easier to explore Christianity a bit more. 

Do you worship?  Do you like where you worship?  What type of church do you go to?

But are they REAL?

This is a question I get asked frequently.  People just don't get it.  Especially people that don't have them themselves.

And NO, I'm not talking about boobs.  I have NEVER been asked that question about my boobs.  Maybe "do you even have any?", but not if they're real.  It's very obvious that there's been no enhancement here.

No, I'm talking about online friends.  People that don't have blogs or online "relationships" don't understand.  They don't understand how I can have friends, REAL friends that I've never met.  They don't get it.  My husband, my family, my coworkers, they just don't understand.

They think my Internet friends are fake or 50 year old perverted old men or space aliens.  I guess they think I'm just IMing with my computer or having conversations with random unknown people.  They worry that these crazed criminals are going to prey on me or take advantage of me.  When they talk about my friends, they add air quotes or call them my imaginary friends or my fake friends.

I try to explain it.  I really do.  I try to tell them that I've know some of these people for four years!  I don't think anyone could keep up the act of being a 30 something soccer mom while they are really a 50 year old pervert for four years.  I think I'd catch on. 

See, it all started in 2004 when I was pregnant with Xander.  I happened to stumble upon Babycenter.  I joined the birth club for people expecting in January 2005.  We had a great group of women.  We talked about lactating and mucus plugs and all sorts of good stuff.  We posted ultrasound pictures and argued fought  discussed breastfeeding, going back to work, co-sleeping, vaccinating, etc.  We really bonded.  We all had something in common and that common thread brought us together.  But, Babycenter is notorious for trolls.  And they started popping up everywhere.  So, the core group of us (70+ strong) went to a private board. 

And there our friendships have blossomed and grown.  We talk about EVERYTHING!  Sex, our past, our hopes and dreams, our frustrations, our husbands, our kids, our jobs, religion, politics, EVERYTHING!  We bitch and moan and cuss, we cry and laugh and love.  We've gone through miscarriages and teenage years (some of us old folks already have teenagers) and deaths of loved ones and divorce.  We've also gone through new siblings, new jobs, vacations, meet ups, new businesses.  Everything you have in a face to face friendship.  Except the fact that we can't touch each other. 

We certainly SEE each other on a regular basis.  We're always posting pictures.  I've even met up with some of them.  It's so wonderful to actually meet.  I feel like I've truly known these women for years and when you meet it's like seeing a long lost friend.  I try to explain that to people.  I try to tell them that I'd recognize any one of these women in the grocery store, in the airport, at Disneyland.  And not know, like you recognize a celebrity.  Like KNOW.  I could probably tell you what her kids had for breakfast, where she bought their clothes, what her husband does for a living, what kind of car they drive, when they last went on a date.  We definitely know each other.  Probably better than I know some of my "touchable" friends.

And I've met even more wonderful women (and a few men) through blogging.  And I feel like I know them too.  For a lot of people blogging is almost like a diary.  And we put it all out there for everyone to see.  And by posting and reading and commenting we form strong friendships.  Even though we may never meet (although I AM GOING TO BLOGHER09 COME HELL OR HIGH WATER).

Never have these friendships been more real to me, than right now.  I posted about my friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  Did I mention that she lives in Ireland?  Did I mention that I've never "met" her?  Did I mention that she's one of my dearest friends?  We have know each other for four years and I love her like a sister.  I would do anything for her.  I want to ease her pain, I want to comfort her.

And I know we ALL do.  Over the years our birth board has had a few spats and there have been a few splits, new boards were started, people left, etc.  But, in the face of this tragedy, everyone on our e-mail lists was contacted.  And let me tell you 70+ women were back together again.  We all put aside our differences and pulled together for Suzy.  Someone that only a handful have even met.  (I won't go into detail on what we're doing because  I know she reads and I want her to be surprised.  I'll fill you in after she finds out.)  The outpouring of love and support is amazing.  The ideas and gifts that are on the way to her are touching to say the least. 

I sit here with a lump in my throat writing this.  These women mean the world to me.  Though I haven't actually touched most of them, they are my closest dearest friends.  And to anyone that can't understand that, I pity you.  Because you don't know what it's like to have true friends all over the globe that will hold your hand and cry with you and laugh with you and love you.

People are Like Onions (or Parfaits)

Sometimes I wonder how the person I've become meshes with the person that I am.  Most of you will say that they are one in the same, and they probably are.  But, in my mind I am a different person than the person that I've become.  Maybe my mind is just slow on the uptake.  Maybe I live in the past.  I don't know.

Most of the time, I'm happy with who I've become and what I've accomplished.  But, sometimes I play the "what if" game.  And sometimes I wonder if THIS is who I really am. 

Sometimes I want to peel all the layers of who I've become and find out what's underneath.  I want to shed my mother skin, my wife skin, my worker skin.  I just want to be ME without all the expectations.  Without all the "baggage".  But, I can't even begin to figure out who that person is.  I just know that some days I don't want to BE all those things. 

Some days I don't want to be the responsible, organized, honest, politically correct, humble, caring person.  Sometimes I want to blurt out inappropriate things or tell people to shut up.  Sometimes I don't want to have sex and don't want to feel guilty about it.  Sometimes I don't want to get people dressed, fed, etc.  Sometimes I just want to take care of myself without worrying about what others are doing, thinking, saying. 

But, this person that I am cannot do that.  Ever.  Sure, I take time for myself.  I read a book.   I get my nails done.  But, my mind is going the whole time.  And I have to set things up ahead of time.  What will the kids be doing.  When can I go when I'm not working.  Etc, etc.  Sometimes I don't want to worry about that stuff.  Sometimes I want to be selfish.

The closest I come to this is when I go out with the girls.  And I think this is true of most women in my situation.  The only time I can really cut loose without any expectations is when I'm with my girlfriends.  And even that's a struggle to make sure the kids are taken care of and we have enough money to go and everyone coordinates their schedules, etc.  But, when we're together, we don't expect anything of each other.  We all know what it feels like, so we don't put any expectations on each other.  We just have a good time.  And act juvenile.  And politically incorrect.  And it feels good.  (A lot of people have made reference to the craziness at BlogHer this week, and I think this is why some of us act that way.)  But, sometimes when we get back home, it's depressing.  Because we can only act like that for a short period of time.  Then the "burden" comes back.

And I really truly love my life.  But, sometimes it feels like everything is work.  And I know that I have to evolve as a person and can't be/act like a teenager for forever.  But, sometimes that depresses me.  I'm 33 and I've accomplished my "big" goals.  I have four kids, a husband, a nice house, a career.  What now?  I just coast for the next 20 years until we retire?  I'm a Gemini, I crave change.  I'm not saying I want to get rid of the kids or my husband.  But, I feel stagnant sometimes.  When I look at the big picture and see the next 20 years repeating the last 10 years I get claustrophobic. 

I guess my mind has to come to the realization that who I AM now is ME.  And I need to learn to love it.  I need to cherish my time with my kids and husband.  I need to learn to love the "new" me.  I've thought about taking classes here or there and starting new hobbies, but it seems like I just don't have the time or the money.  Maybe I just need a vacation!

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Out of the Mouths of Babes

So, last Friday Black Hockey Jesus (one of the funniest guys ever) was doing his Best of Times/Worst of Times and it was about things kids say.  I left him some of our memorable ones in a comment, but after thinking about it, I remembered a whole bunch more. 

I swear, with four kids of various ages, sometimes I wish I could just shove a granola bar in their mouths when they start to speak in public (ya know, like the commercial).  Sometimes I can see it coming and it's like you're in slow motion and just cannot say anything loud enough or fast enough to stop it.  And after the damage is done I never know what to do:  ignore it or acknowledge it?   I usually just make some stupid comment like, "That's not nice to say." or " We don't talk like that."  But I wish I had something good to say.  Something that would make the person that my child just offended feel better.  Or think I was definitely handling my shit.  But, I think they usually think I'm raising my kids he wrong way.

Here are a few of my favorite bad lines from my kids:

From Carissa (3 at the time) in the grocery store, in the cart next to the polish sausage sections, "Ew, that looks like daddy's penis."  My reaction, walk away.  Leaving her in the cart by the sausage penises.

From Carissa (4 at the time)- She had spent the night at the ILs.  When they were bringing her back they informed us that she told them some good stories.  Especially the one about how mommy and daddy take showers together EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!!!  My reaction, laugh uncomfortably, and deny, deny, deny.  (For the record it's not every day!)

From Carissa (about 3) in Best Buy, the man behind us is bald.  "Mommy that man doesn't have any hair."  I assure her it's ok and it's not nice to say.  "But, he doesn't have ANY hair."  I tell her I know, but that it's not nice to talk about (the man is glaring at me).  "Why isn't it nice, he knows he doesn't have any hair?"  My reaction?  Ignore, ignore, ignore.

From Robert (about 4) brings a book to me on the couch.  "Read me this fuckin' book."  Me:  " Excuse me?"  ( I thought for sure I heard wrong.)  "Read me the fuckin' book."  Me:  "What did you say?"  (Surely, he didn't just say that?)  "Mom, read me the FUCKIN' book!!!!"  ME:  (While trying not to laugh because as much as I know it's wrong it's terribly funny for a little child to cuss like that.)  "That is not a nice word to use, please don't talk to me like that."

From Xander (a few months ago, age 3) anytime, anywhere, "Jackass".  It was his catch phrase for awhile.  And it was too dang funny.  I tried to yell at him, but it was best just to ignore it.  But, the best was that he only used it to refer to my husband and other people, never me.  (I swear I didn't teach it to him.)  One day we're all in the minivan and he pipes up, "There's a jackass in the car."  Me:  "Who?"  Him: "Daddy".  Cracked me up.  Or he'd sit on the couch next to my husband and say, "I'm gonna sit next to you, you ass."  Dead serious.  Thank goodness he's stopped!

The all time worst though is when they tell you they are going to be sick.  Before you can even utter a word, you usually have throw up all over you.  I just HATE hearing those words because I know that I have no time to do anything!

On the other hand, they say some really sweet things too.  And they more than make up for the bad things. 

Of course, all the times they say, "I love you" or "You're the best mom ever" or when the boys tell me they want to marry me when they get older.

The cutest thing that Xander (3) says is every week when I get home from the grocery store.  He comes to see all the stuff I've bought and every week, without fail, he'll tell me " Mom, I'm so happy you bought me __________.  You make me so happy!"  Like I've been starving the child or something!  The other day he even told me, "Mom, I'm so proud of you for buying me Pop Tarts."  Yay me!

Jocelyn (2) has started getting into the action too.  When I tell the kids no, I usually say "No sir" or  "No ma'am".  When she's in trouble she'll give me those cute little puppy dog eyes and say, "YES sir?"  and repeat numerous times even though I say no every time.  It's so cute though.  Or if I ask her to please do something, she'll tell me, "No sir". 

Or the time when Carissa was about 5 and just shouted in the middle of Target, " I DON'T WANT TO KISS BOYS I WANT TO KISS GIRLS!!!"  Ok, that's fine with me, really, I'm not pressuring you one way or the other!  I have no idea what sparked that one!

So, what have your kids done to embarrass you in public?  And what do they do to warm your heart?

And they grew- Part 5

No dear readers, I didn't leave.  Not then and not for a long time after.  I stayed for 10 months!!!  TEN FREAKIN MONTHS!!!  Luckily, he never got more physical than to push me into a wall, but the emotional abuse was there every single day. 

And, the only reason I left?  Because he met a new chick that had nice digs and decided to move in with her, essentially kicking me to the curb, literally. 

I had to summon the courage to call my parents and beg to come home (it was April by now).  That was the scariest day for me.  I had no idea what they would say.  I hadn't spoken to them since I left, not once. 

Thank god, they came to get me and let me come home.  We had some heart to heart talks and I started to grow stronger.  Until...

that ass started calling.  And asking me to hook up while his girlfriend was at work.  And (go ahead beat my 18yo self up, I want to too) I would go!!!  What in the world was wrong with me?

I was trying to get on with my life, working full time, going to nursing school, not going out at all (except to see HIM), really trying to get my life together.  Until that one day in August.

I was sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden my insides just flopped.  Like I literally felt like I had swallowed a live fish and it was jumping around in my belly.  The next hours, day, are really a fog to me.  But, somehow I called my friend with a car and had her take me to Planned Parenthood (let me also add that my periods have always been WAY out of whack, skipping months, and that I was really skinny 98lbs and until that day hadn't gained a pound.)   I don't know why I thought I was pregnant, but I just did.  And sure enough I was.  I seriously don't even remember finding out or anything (I was already 24 weeks along).

I do remember going home and going to my room.  I do remember my mom coming in and asking me if I was pregnant (I guess she had suspected or else knew I was really, really upset and just assumed), I do remember telling her, I do remember her telling me to get out because she was afraid my father would say things he'd later regret when he heard, I do remember going to my friend's house for the night, I do remember coming home and the look of disappointment on my father's face.  I do remember all of that.  I also remember growing my balls, big and bold right there. 

THAT was the moment that I decided to stand up for myself and my baby.  There is no way I was going to take any shit from anyone anymore.  I called him, told him, had him tell me that he would never support me or the baby (which I knew from seeing him with his daughter), told him he'd never see her.  And that was the last of it.

I got my nursing certificate (had to go back to take my test because she was born on my test date), got a good paying full time job, didn't go out AT ALL for two years, paid for everything for her (although I still lived at my parents house), took care of her (except when I was working) and took care of me.  Cut out all those bad influences in my life.  Learned to be independent, learned to be assertive, learned I was worth it and so was she. 

One day, when she was about 2 months old he had the nerve to call.  I took the call.  He said he'd like to see her (he'd heard through friends that she'd been born).  I stood up to him!  I told him no, not ever.  I told him she was mine and not his.  And I've stuck to my guns for 13 years (not that he ever called again).

I've learned how to take care of myself.  I think I've learned a little too well.  Sometimes I feel bad for my husband because I can be a little TOO assertive or a little TOO independent sometimes.  And he knows flat out that I don't put up with anything.  I leave in a heartbeat if it's the best thing for me and/or the kids (luckily it's never even come close to that).

While I hate that this happened to me and I hate that I had to learn this way, I don't regret it.  It's made me who I am today and I've got a beautiful daughter to boot.

**For the record:  She does know that her bio dad is not her current dad (we met when she was 2), I have been open to talking about him and haven't bad mouthed him, but she hasn't expressed a desire to know him at all.  We'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it.  As a father was never listed on her birth certificate (boy was that a smart move) I was able to have my husband sign an affidavit and he is listed as her dad.  And he is.