Fairytales and Margaritas

the storm has come

So it was sooner rather than later. Three of the four kids are throwing up all over today. Good times. Hopefully the calm will return soon.

The Evolution of a Home

I was thinking the other day about how our thoughts and concepts about "home" change as we grow up.

As a child growing up in my parents homes, I always wanted someone else's house.  I always thought someone else had something cooler (like a pool) or bigger or neater.  They always had better rooms and bigger rooms.  Luckily, I never had to share a room since I was the only girl.  But, that meant that I had the smallest room.  And when you're a kid you usually have to keep someone else's house clean and help THEM clean it.  And those are awful things when you're a kid.  I was never happy enough with my parent's houses, even though we had some nice ones.

Then you get older and decide to branch out.  Usually it's to a dorm or apartment.  Sometimes you share with multiple people.  I sure did.  And boy did that perfectionism of a house fade.  I lived in a DUMP!  And I didn't care.  I was on my own, in a sense, even though I had tons of people living in that little apartment.  We didn't clean, we didn't decorate, it was small.  But, we were happy.  We didn't care about all that materialistic stuff because we were making it on our own.

But, those thoughts fade, QUICKLY.  You can only be happy in a dump for so long.  Then I started having those ideas of grandeur again.  But, wanting to own it myself, not live in someone else's ideal.

But, as with most young couples, we couldn't afford our dream home right off.  So, we settled on an apartment.  It was small and on the second floor, but we were young and in love and it was OURS.  That worked for awhile too.  Until we wanted something more permanent.  And we had to move because he made a career change.

Unfortunately, we bought our first house is a teeny, tiny town.  Where nothing had been built for 30 years.  Seriously.  It was an old mining town that had gone under.  It was really small (2,000 people) and away from the city (2 hours).  So, our first house that we owned was 30 years old, small, in need of repair and the ugliest pink and brown you'd ever seen.

And even though we were still young and in love and starting out this adventure, there were no illusions.  The place was a dump.  No matter how much paint I slapped on the walls and how much time and money I threw into it.  It was awful.  I never felt that that house was home.  Never.  It was just a resting point between here and there.  I always felt that way.  I actually laughed when some other sucker bought it from us.   Because I knew.

But, now we have our dream house.  We built it.  Not US, but we had it built.  To our specifications.  We changed the plans to accommodate our needs.   We thought and planned and fought and researched and built exactly what we wanted.  The process sucked, bit time!  But, we've got what we wanted.  And I decorated it just how I wanted.

And we're finally, after three years, almost completely done with all of the building, landscaping, projects!  The finish is in sight.  And the feeling is unbelievable.  To finally have what we wanted and just be able to enjoy it. 

We've said that the only time we'll move again is when we retire.  Even if we win the lottery.  And I'm not kidding.  Now, if we win the lottery, I'm sure we'd add on a guest house/game room, but that's all.  We really thought it all out and got exactly what we wanted. 

So, even though I now have to clean the whole thing and keep the whole thing maintained, I can 100% say that I'm happy and that I'm home.

Blah!

I had an idea for a cool post today, but I'm just feeling blah.

I just found out that there's pretty much no way in hell I got that other job.  Other people are hearing that they are only referring people who scored 101 or above (you can get up to 10 veteran's points) for the openings.  I'm not even close!

I was really holding out hope.  That hope was what was making working full time bearable.  Now that the hope isn't there I can't justify working full time.  But, I don't know how to tell my boss.  She'd be really disappointed.  Like disappointing a parent.

And, now I'm still stuck trying to find something that pays as much as I make now or more within the next two years when she retires.  And it's not easy.  There aren't many opportunities out there.

So, I'm kindof in a funk.

The Dating Couple

I'm sure seeing that title you're thinking this post will be about a couple of single people that are dating.  But, it's not.  It's about a married couple dating another married couple.  And not like that either.

You know how it is when you're single and dating?  You try out different people.  Some you click with, some you don't.  Some you try really hard to like because your friends like them or you know they'd be a good match, but it just doesn't work out. 

And when you're dating you usually go to dinner or the movies or other fun things. 

Well, I have to say that being a married couple and finding friends to hang out with is much the same.  Except harder.  Because YOU need to like the couple and so does your spouse.  And they BOTH need to like both of you.  It's a VERY delicate balance.  (Especially when, as a couple you are very different.)

We've been lucky in the past that the people that my husband works with and likes to hang out with have had cool wives that I've enjoyed hanging out with.  But, we moved within the last few years and things have changed.  He works 60 miles away from our house and most of the people that he works with live closer to work.  And he works with a lot of single guys. 

We've had a hard time finding other couples that we really mesh with.  And that's hard for me because I'm what some call a social butterfly.

We've tried dating some couples.  One is a good friend that I work with and her husband.  But, my husband just doesn't get along with them very well.  We've tried a few couples that he knows from work, but we just don't see them very often.

But, just recently, we've found our "partners".  I've actually been hanging out with her for the last three years, we met shortly after we moved here.  And her husband is actually in the same profession as my husband, just at a different location.  We've gotten together a few times and things have gone well.  My husband even contacted her last year to help plan my surprise birthday party!So, us girls have been plotting ways to get together more often. 

This weekend we had a BBQ at their house.  And things went really well.  The guys grilled and talked.  The girls drank and talked.  The kids destroyed their house, but had fun doing it.  We all played some Wii.  It was just a nice relaxing time.  And EVERYONE enjoyed themselves.   My very quiet husband was even texting her this weekend in preparation for the BBQ! It was great! 

Now, we have plans to go to the upcoming Metallica concert (ROCK ON!) and camping in June!  Let's hope this is the start to a long-term relationship.  Because everyone knows good friends are hard to find!

Food, glorious food

I just ate some Mandarin Kung Pao chicken from my favorite place, Pei Wei.   When I'm stressed out, especially at work, food seems to make me happier.  Or should I say, food that I don't need to prepare.

For some reason, eating out makes me all kinds of happy.  I'm happy to be waited on, I'm happy that everyone can order what THEY like (meaning I don't have to hear grumblings about how awful whatever I've made is), I'm happy that I don't have to cook, I'm happy that I don't have to clean up.  It just makes me happy.  Plus, it just tastes better.

Today, I've been super stressed.  We had a bad morning drop off yesterday and an even worse evening.  Xander's gotten sick from school, Jocelyn is teething and won't sleep.  I feel like the world is closing in on me.  After Jocelyn cried all evening I finally got her to sleep.  Then she woke and wouldn't settle again.  She kept wanting to climb on TOP of me to go to sleep.  When I wouldn't let her she just screamed her head off. 

And it was too much.  I just walked out of her room and broke down.  Had me a little breakdown while my husband tended to her.

So, needless to say, I wasn't in the greatest mood this morning for work.  Then thing after thing has gone wrong.  I can't access my computer program, someone filed an emergency hearing without even calling me to give me a heads up, I had to move a hearing, a probation officer complained that he didn't get notice of something, blah, blah, blah. 

So, I decided on some food therapy.  And it worked.  I DO feel better.   Let's just hope this doesn't continue or I get as big as a house!

THE Plan

Do you have a PLAN?  Have you written it down?  Was it hard?  Have you had one for long?

My husband and I don't have a plan.  Or a Will in other words.

It's one of those things that you put off and put off.  I mean, seriously, who wants to think about their own death?  And how in the world do you decide what you want for your children if you were to die?  Seriously.  I don't even want it to approach the outer circles of my thoughts. 

But, we've got to be responsible.  Both of our families have "issues", so we'd like to spell things out as clearly as possible.  N0 sense in letting the crazies decide for themselves!  Plus, we're done having children and we've moved into our "forever home".  So, things should be pretty stable from here on out (knock on wood).

Luckily with my husband's job they stress how important having a will is.  Especially for people in law enforcement.  So, they are providing free services to get our wills drawn up.  We have appointments on the 26th.

But, oh, the things we have to think about up until that point.  And the decisions that must be made.  Who will care for the children?  How do we want our vast wealth (insert sarcastic giggle here) split up?  Who will be pissed off the most at our decisions?

Just thinking about those things brings up images of life without me or us.  And it's not pretty.  I'm no saint, but YIKES!  To think of others raising the kids that WE decided to bring into this world.  That WE know best.  That WE have shaped and molded.  Ugh, it's a scary thought.

So, while we're going to be responsible and talk about it and formalize it.  I pray that the kids are old and married with grandchildren of their own before they ever have to see our wills!

The Inner Struggle

And so it begins.  My first week of full time work since January 2005.  Yikes!  It's daunting to think about it, really.  Don't get me wrong, I've worked all my life, with the exception of a few maternity leaves.  But, the last time I worked full time I only had 2 kids and a much smaller house.  And going BACK to full time work after the wonderful experience of part time work is a big adjustment.  For all of us.

Although this is my first week actually working full time, I took the kids to their new preschool last week for a transition period.  The first day went great.  I don't think either one realized exactly what was going on.  Jocelyn cried a bit, but Xander was excited and did great.  But, with each passing day they get more crabby in the morning.  And the pleas become louder and sadder.  Although, I do think that Jocelyn is transitioning fairly well.  She cries for a bit when we get there, but they assure me that she settles and had a good day, although she doesn't like to eat there.  But, that's just her, she's picky and she likes to graze as opposed to sitting for meals.  But, Xander has so much anxiety each morning.  Yet, when we pick him up he's excited and loves to talk about what they've done.  He loves playing on the playground and doing projects and will talk all about it.  Until the next morning arrives.  Then he hates it and never wants to go back.  I'm praying that after another week or so this won't happen anymore.   

But, those little pleas pull at my heartstrings.  And that inner turmoil starts.  Why AM I working full time?  It's certainly not for the money as preschool sucks up every extra penny I'm making.  Why now, why not in a few years?  Is it bad to have someone else "raise" my kids for eight hours every day?  Why don't I just stay home?

AM I A BAD MOM?

I know the answers to all of those questions.  I'm doing it because my boss asked me to.  She prefers that I don't job-share anymore.  And I respect her and love to work for her, so I agreed to it.  I'm doing it now because that's when it happened.  And because I applied for that other full time job and I figure it'd be good for them to see that I'm already back full time in case they would be hesitant to hire me because of that (and if I was to get THAT job I'd be making a TON more money).  It's not bad to have someone else care for my kids every day.  And it's not every day, just four days a week.  I truly think that they do BETTER with someone else.  Someone else is better about getting them on a schedule and interacting with them more.  When I'm home with the two little ones I'm always doing something around the house or running errands.  Or Jocelyn is taking up the time I'd like to spend with Xander.  And every day is different, some days we leave the house others we don't.  There's not a lot of consistency.  And I don't stay home because I just can't.  Financially it'd be really tight, but mentally I'd be a mess if I stayed home full time.  I'm just not one of those moms.

And I don't think I'm a bad mom, either.  But, when your heartstrings are tugged, it's hard not to feel guilty.  And it's an age old struggle that all mothers face.  To work or not to work.  And people judge each decision.  And I think WE each judge our own decisions.  It's just hard.  Hard to find a good balance.  Hard to be happy with the decisions we've made. 

Hard to listen to those little cries and see those tears in the morning.

Race for the Cure

In the midst of all the chaos in our house, Carissa and I have signed up for the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on April 6th.   Last year one of our friends lost her mother at a young age to breast cancer and we know a few others who have been affected.  Our local playgroup has joined a team and will be walking/running together.  (I'll be one of the walking ones.)  If you would like to donate to our team, please click on this link:  Carissa and Lori's Breast Cancer Walk

Thanks in advance!

In the meantime I am hurriedly preparing to work full time starting next week.  I have painted all of our hallways in the house (a project that kept getting put off),  painted Carissa's room to suit her everchanging wants, cleaned the house from top to bottom including closets, dressers, cupboards, nooks and crannies, dontated a whole car load of crap that we were getting rid of, and cleaned out the garage.

Today I'm making a Costco run for large quantities of meat and fruit, etc.  When I'm off this week I'm going to make a bunch of soups, stews and casseroles to have on hand during the week.

And we found a preschool for the kids.  We're going with the one we used when Robert was little.  I really love the place, we were just trying to find someplace a bit cheaper.  But, after touring other facilities I've come to realize that you get what you pay for and I'd much rather pay a bit more for loving teachers and peace of mind!

So, starting next week, be prepared to see a lot more of me!

While the cat's away the mice will play!

So, Robert's on a business trip for four days.  It doesn't happen often, but occassionally he travels for work.  While I miss him dearly and sometimes want to throw myself off a bridge while dealing with all the kids myself, sometimes it's kindof nice.

When Daddy's gone we eat crap for dinner.  Like frozen pizza, hot dogs, cereal.  Now don't get me wrong, we eat this crap while he's here too.  But, I don't feel guilty when he's not here.  I try to make semi-decent meals when he's home.  Don't want him wasting away without his meat and potatoes.

And the kids go to bed early, and usually in my bed.  It's just easier.  It's easier to pile them in my bed around 7:00 with the TV on and let them drift off to sleep.  And to stay there.  Better than me having to get up in the middle of the night because fire ants are crawling on them (Xander's new thing) or just because (Jocelyn's thing since she was born).  And we turn in earlier bc I'm dead tired.  And I need them to stay still and quiet and the TV is wonderful for this.

And we get to watch our stuff.  Not hockey or shows about planets.  I like a bit of this stuff, but it's nice to be in charge of the remote, too.

And we don't do our chores until the day he comes home.  Why bother?  He's actually more lenient on the house being kept clean than I am.  But, I have these weird expectations of myself when he's here.  I think that he expects me to keep the house clean (even though he doesn't).  But, when he's not here I get rid of that guilt too.  (Geez, I'm noticing that I put a lot of expectations on myself that he doesn't!)

I guess I'm just more lenient in general when he's not here.  Part of it is a coping mechanism.  I know I can't get everything done by myself.  And it's kindof nice to not worry about someone else sometimes. 

So, don't stop by our house until Friday, cause it'll be a mess.  Don't call after 7:00 bc we're already in bed watching Survivor.  And don't ask my kids what they had for dinner bc you're likely to want to report me to CPS!

My first new post!

So, I'm all settled in.  Thanks for the feedback.  Still working on a banner and getting the photo albums filled.  Fixing up my blogroll, etc.  But, I'm liking it here. 

We've been pretty busy.  We had SNOW on Friday.  Can you believe it?  It was quite a bit too.  I was watching a friends kids and they were so excited (we're at a higher elevation, so we get snow about once a year and they don't usually get it).  The little girl told me her wish came true because it was snowing!  I bundled them all up (her 5 and 2 year olds and my 3 and 1 year olds) and we played outside for a bit.

Saturday we picked up Girl Scout cookies.  Now we have to deliver them all.  Ugh.  I understand why they sell them and it's great to make money for the troop, but it's so much work.  And Carissa only sold 150 boxes.  I can't imagine the ones that sell 500!

My poor husband is sick.  He thought it was strep, but the doctor said it was viral.  He's miserable and today's his birthday.  I'm hoping he feels a little better tonight. 

My kids are off of school on Thursday and Friday.  It's Rodeo Days here in Tucson.  Yippee!  It's so strange that they get the days off of school.  We've never even gone to the rodeo!  But, it's a tradition for them to get off of school.  I think we might hit our measly children's museum one of the days.

The big news is that my test for the new job is tomorrow.  I'm very nervous.  I've never had to test for a job before.  Kind of scary.  I printed the guide and took the practice tests (scored 100 on both).  I'm really hoping that I get it.  We've been talking about what we'd have to change with me going back to work full time.  But, how nice it would be to have the extra money.  And the benefits are really good too.  And the promotion potential.  Conceivably, I could be making $80,000 in about 5 years!  That'd be great.  And Xander is definitely ready for preschool.  He needs the structure.  He gets bored being home with me.  And his little mind is a sponge lately.  I'd feel a little guilty about putting Jocelyn somewhere full time, but she's had almost 2 years of me staying home.  That's a good start.  I didn't stay home at all with the older two, so the younger ones have been spoiled.

So, wish me luck tomorrow.  I'm hoping we get the results quickly and that things move along.  I'll let you know!