Fairytales and Margaritas

Mommy Guilt?

I have to admit something.  Something that I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to feel bad about, but I don’t. 

I don’t feel bad being a working mother.

There, I said it.  Phew!

The thing is, I KNOW in my heart of hearts that I could not handle being a stay at home mom.  I just couldn’t.  I need to get out of the house.  I need adult interaction.  I need to use my brain (not that trying to figure out the manipulations of my children isn’t using my brain, but it’s a different part).

I know some struggle with whether to go back to work.  I know some moms would give anything to be able to stay home with their kids all the time.  But, I’m not one of them.  I love going to work.  And I love coming home to my kids.  But, there was never a time that I thought I would stay at home with the kids.  Never. 

My aunt thinks I’m crazy.  She always wanted to stay home with her boys, but money was tight and she had to work.  But, I wonder if she wanted that “dream” of staying home.  Would she really have loved it if she’d lived it?  I’m not sure.  Did she want it just because that’s what you’re supposed to say?  You’re supposed to want to stay home with your kids.  You’re supposed to want them raised by their family.  You’re supposed to give up part of yourself for your children.  At least that’s what we’re taught.

But, I think working makes me a better mom.  I enjoy the time I have with them more.  I cherish it.  It’s not a day in day out 24 hours a day thing.  So, I truly appreciate the time we have.  Also, I don’t stress as much about them.  If I was there all the time I’d see every little thing they did wrong.  And it’d drive me crazy.  I’d be the constant disciplinarian and teacher and cook and maid, etc.  And that would stress me the heck out!

Plus, they LOVE going to school.  Their teachers are great.  They have fun activities and games.  They come home full of new ideas and words and songs.  And then they ask to go back to school!  Sometimes I wonder if this means that they have more fun at school than at home.  But, I think it just means that they have TWO safe, fun places to go.  And for that I’m thankful. 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’d love to stay home SOME.  Like when I worked part time.  That was the best of both worlds.  I still got to get out and go to work, but I also got some quality time at home.  If I had the chance to do it again, I’d definitely work part time.  I was able to adjust my schedule for school activities for the older kids and do my errands during the week so the weekends were relaxing.  Now that I’m full time, I miss school functions and our weekends are jam packed with errands.

But, I don’t feel guilty for working.  And I’m pretty sure that “society” wants me to, but I don’t.

Sweet Nostalgia

Oh Facebook, the memories you bring back! 

I’ve been on Facebook for awhile, but when I first joined I couldn’t find any of my old classmates.  Eventually I found my best friend from high school, but everyone else that I’ve befriended has been someone I know currently.

Until this week.  All of a sudden, I’ve found tons of old friends.  And seen lots of pictures from “back in the day”.

It’s so crazy to think about.  It was 15 years ago!  Yet, I have memories that seem like just yesterday.  Some say they don’t want to relive the high school years, but it seems that my memory has blocked out all the bad things and left only the good memories.  Sure, I was a dork and a nerd, but I had fun.

I pulled out my old pictures today and in every single one I’m got the biggest goofiest grin on my face.  So, it must not have been that bad.  I look back on these pictures and wonder what I was thinking with the big hair and the stretch pants and pegged jeans! 

But mostly, I remember the great bonds that I had with people.  And the fun we had.  I kindof separated myself from the world right after graduation.  It was a rough time for me and then I moved to Arizona.  So, I just fell out of touch with a lot of people I was close to. 

Now, 15 years later we’re catching up.  Some have moved away, some still live in the town we graduated from.  Some are married with kids, others not.  It’s fun to see what careers people have ended up with.  I’m pretty sure none of them expected me to be working for a judge!  And I’m pretty sure most of then didn’t expect me to have four children!  I think I’m in the lead in that area!

Mostly, I’m just really grateful to have these people back in my life again.  They made such an impression on me such a long time ago and it’s great to be able to talk to them now too!

PS.  I promise to scan some of the pictures and show them to you! 

I'll be with Mother Nature

We've decided to go camping again this year.  Usually we only go once a year, but we usually take a vacation too.  We're trying to save some money this year, so we decided to skip the vacation and go camping twice. 

I've got to tell you that sometimes I like camping more than going on vacation.  And I am by no means an outdoorsy person.  I like my makeup and hairspray and hot water and flushing toilet quite well.  But, I just love being out there, all by ourselves.  Time just seems to stand still for a few days.

We go CAMPING camping.  Like tents and sleeping bags and shit.  NO electronics.  No Ninetendo DS, no ipod, no cell phones.  Just us, some food and Yahtzee and UNO. 

Funny enough, while we're camping there are rarely fights.  The kids don't bicker, us adults don't bicker.  It's nice, really nice.  We spend good quality time together.  We stop to smell the roses (or melting marshmallows).  We help each other out, we laugh.  My husband and I will each have a child on our lap and one to the side and we'll catch each other's eyes across the fire and seem to both be thinking, "life is good". 

There are no deadlines, no timelines, no bills to worry about, no phone ringing.  We're carefree and together.

So, I'll be finding my crunchy side until Wednesday!

People are Like Onions (or Parfaits)

Sometimes I wonder how the person I've become meshes with the person that I am.  Most of you will say that they are one in the same, and they probably are.  But, in my mind I am a different person than the person that I've become.  Maybe my mind is just slow on the uptake.  Maybe I live in the past.  I don't know.

Most of the time, I'm happy with who I've become and what I've accomplished.  But, sometimes I play the "what if" game.  And sometimes I wonder if THIS is who I really am. 

Sometimes I want to peel all the layers of who I've become and find out what's underneath.  I want to shed my mother skin, my wife skin, my worker skin.  I just want to be ME without all the expectations.  Without all the "baggage".  But, I can't even begin to figure out who that person is.  I just know that some days I don't want to BE all those things. 

Some days I don't want to be the responsible, organized, honest, politically correct, humble, caring person.  Sometimes I want to blurt out inappropriate things or tell people to shut up.  Sometimes I don't want to have sex and don't want to feel guilty about it.  Sometimes I don't want to get people dressed, fed, etc.  Sometimes I just want to take care of myself without worrying about what others are doing, thinking, saying. 

But, this person that I am cannot do that.  Ever.  Sure, I take time for myself.  I read a book.   I get my nails done.  But, my mind is going the whole time.  And I have to set things up ahead of time.  What will the kids be doing.  When can I go when I'm not working.  Etc, etc.  Sometimes I don't want to worry about that stuff.  Sometimes I want to be selfish.

The closest I come to this is when I go out with the girls.  And I think this is true of most women in my situation.  The only time I can really cut loose without any expectations is when I'm with my girlfriends.  And even that's a struggle to make sure the kids are taken care of and we have enough money to go and everyone coordinates their schedules, etc.  But, when we're together, we don't expect anything of each other.  We all know what it feels like, so we don't put any expectations on each other.  We just have a good time.  And act juvenile.  And politically incorrect.  And it feels good.  (A lot of people have made reference to the craziness at BlogHer this week, and I think this is why some of us act that way.)  But, sometimes when we get back home, it's depressing.  Because we can only act like that for a short period of time.  Then the "burden" comes back.

And I really truly love my life.  But, sometimes it feels like everything is work.  And I know that I have to evolve as a person and can't be/act like a teenager for forever.  But, sometimes that depresses me.  I'm 33 and I've accomplished my "big" goals.  I have four kids, a husband, a nice house, a career.  What now?  I just coast for the next 20 years until we retire?  I'm a Gemini, I crave change.  I'm not saying I want to get rid of the kids or my husband.  But, I feel stagnant sometimes.  When I look at the big picture and see the next 20 years repeating the last 10 years I get claustrophobic. 

I guess my mind has to come to the realization that who I AM now is ME.  And I need to learn to love it.  I need to cherish my time with my kids and husband.  I need to learn to love the "new" me.  I've thought about taking classes here or there and starting new hobbies, but it seems like I just don't have the time or the money.  Maybe I just need a vacation!

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See No Evil, Eat No Evil?

So, we all know that I'm trying to eat healthy.  They say to let those around you know so that they can encourage you.  Well, everyone at work knows.  To the point that when they ask if I want to go out to lunch they quickly add, "somewhere healthy".  They're so sweet!  Usually I'll look up the menu online and figure out what I'm getting before we go.  So, one of my coworkers brought me this article the other day.

It's about the new law in New York City that says that chain restaurants must post the calorie count of each food in the same size and font as the price. 

My take:  Hooray!  I would love to have the information posted.  That way I don't have to look it up online and it will be readily available.  Plus, sometimes you think something is a healthy choice, yet find out it's not that healthy. 

Also, I think it forces restaurants to start serving healthier items.  It says that Starbucks is finding it sells out of their 80 calorie cookies moreso than anything else.  Why don't the restaurants take this as a sign that people want to eat healthier and cater to that?

But, some are criticizing it.  Saying they don't want to have the calorie count shoved in their face when they go out to eat.  And it's making them angry!  I say that's ridiculous!  If you chose to eat something high in calories, fine, that's your choice (I still make that choice sometimes, Island Fire Burger from Sonic, yummmmm).  But, to get upset because you are actually aware of how many calories you're eating?  Or to say that it ruins your dining experience?  I just don't get it.  One woman even asked for a menu without the calorie counts so that she would feel more comfortable eating.  Seriously?

I think part of this goes to personal responsibility.  People don't want to be forced to admit that THEY made bad decisions.  Just like the people that sue McDonald's because they're obese.  They can't admit that they KNEW the food wasn't good for them, but chose to eat it anyway. 

With this new law people are being forced to be aware of what they're eating.  There is no more claim that they "thought" they made a healthy choice.  Maybe it'll prevent some of those crazy lawsuits.

Or maybe some of these people should watch Supersize Me.  That movie will scare you off of fast food quick! 

(Don't get me wrong.  I don't care if you're skinny or fat, I don't care if you eat fast food or not (I do all the time), I don't care what YOU eat, that's your choice.  But, I don't think you should be allowed to sue a corporation for "making" you fat or unhealthy.  YOU choose what to put in your own mouth.)

Random Thoughts Thursday

** I am going crazy waiting to hear back about that federal job.  I had an interview two weeks ago and still haven't heard anything.  They made it sound like I got the job and that I'd hear something soon.  Yet, I haven't.

**To the guy that insisted on passing me and the construction truck on the shoulder this morning, only to have me be right on your ass 2 minutes later,  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

**I cannot find a purse that I like anywhere.  I see one I like, buy it, use it for a week or two and realize it doesn't work.  I need someone to custom make me the perfect purse.

**The kids have swim lessons tonight.  Jocelyn and I are the only females in her class.  The dads are all trying to chat with me which makes me uncomfortable since a) I'm in a bathing suit and not all that content with my body b) their wives are sitting on the deck watching us and I feel like they're glaring at me and c) my anti social husband is sitting on the deck too and I don't want him to think that I'm starting these conversations!

**My mom informed me that they are probably not coming to Jocelyn's b-day party this weekend.  Yet another grandchild's b-day party they miss because the 1 1/2 hour drive is too much.  And excuse after excuse.  Like that they can't miss church on Sunday for her party (which they could come after, but whatever) because they missed the last two weeks for a) yard work and b) to eat breakfast.  Does that logic make any sense?

**The kids started school on Monday and already Carissa's attitude is back.  She claims she needs a different backpack/bag because she can't carry all of her binders (they don't have lockers).  We've told her to try to work it out with her teachers.  I think she's misunderstanding something.  She has six classes and each needs a 2" binder (according to her), I can't believe the teachers would expect them all to carry all those binders around all day.  We're trying to have her solve her own problems instead of getting involved since she's in eighth grade.  But, she seems unwilling and instead pouts about it daily.  I'm tempted to just call the teachers myself to see what the real story is.

**I've been doing pretty good working out (3-4 times a week) and eating right,but haven't seen much physical change yet.  This is my third week.  Hopefully, I can be more consistent and it will start to show.

**I really need a break from work.  Now that I'm full time I just can't get things done.  I hate running errands and grocery shopping on the weekend because the stores are crowded and I rarely get time to just hang out with the kids.  I don't feel like I ever get a day to just chill out by the pool with the kids.  We're always on the go.  I'm exhausted!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

So, last Friday Black Hockey Jesus (one of the funniest guys ever) was doing his Best of Times/Worst of Times and it was about things kids say.  I left him some of our memorable ones in a comment, but after thinking about it, I remembered a whole bunch more. 

I swear, with four kids of various ages, sometimes I wish I could just shove a granola bar in their mouths when they start to speak in public (ya know, like the commercial).  Sometimes I can see it coming and it's like you're in slow motion and just cannot say anything loud enough or fast enough to stop it.  And after the damage is done I never know what to do:  ignore it or acknowledge it?   I usually just make some stupid comment like, "That's not nice to say." or " We don't talk like that."  But I wish I had something good to say.  Something that would make the person that my child just offended feel better.  Or think I was definitely handling my shit.  But, I think they usually think I'm raising my kids he wrong way.

Here are a few of my favorite bad lines from my kids:

From Carissa (3 at the time) in the grocery store, in the cart next to the polish sausage sections, "Ew, that looks like daddy's penis."  My reaction, walk away.  Leaving her in the cart by the sausage penises.

From Carissa (4 at the time)- She had spent the night at the ILs.  When they were bringing her back they informed us that she told them some good stories.  Especially the one about how mommy and daddy take showers together EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!!!  My reaction, laugh uncomfortably, and deny, deny, deny.  (For the record it's not every day!)

From Carissa (about 3) in Best Buy, the man behind us is bald.  "Mommy that man doesn't have any hair."  I assure her it's ok and it's not nice to say.  "But, he doesn't have ANY hair."  I tell her I know, but that it's not nice to talk about (the man is glaring at me).  "Why isn't it nice, he knows he doesn't have any hair?"  My reaction?  Ignore, ignore, ignore.

From Robert (about 4) brings a book to me on the couch.  "Read me this fuckin' book."  Me:  " Excuse me?"  ( I thought for sure I heard wrong.)  "Read me the fuckin' book."  Me:  "What did you say?"  (Surely, he didn't just say that?)  "Mom, read me the FUCKIN' book!!!!"  ME:  (While trying not to laugh because as much as I know it's wrong it's terribly funny for a little child to cuss like that.)  "That is not a nice word to use, please don't talk to me like that."

From Xander (a few months ago, age 3) anytime, anywhere, "Jackass".  It was his catch phrase for awhile.  And it was too dang funny.  I tried to yell at him, but it was best just to ignore it.  But, the best was that he only used it to refer to my husband and other people, never me.  (I swear I didn't teach it to him.)  One day we're all in the minivan and he pipes up, "There's a jackass in the car."  Me:  "Who?"  Him: "Daddy".  Cracked me up.  Or he'd sit on the couch next to my husband and say, "I'm gonna sit next to you, you ass."  Dead serious.  Thank goodness he's stopped!

The all time worst though is when they tell you they are going to be sick.  Before you can even utter a word, you usually have throw up all over you.  I just HATE hearing those words because I know that I have no time to do anything!

On the other hand, they say some really sweet things too.  And they more than make up for the bad things. 

Of course, all the times they say, "I love you" or "You're the best mom ever" or when the boys tell me they want to marry me when they get older.

The cutest thing that Xander (3) says is every week when I get home from the grocery store.  He comes to see all the stuff I've bought and every week, without fail, he'll tell me " Mom, I'm so happy you bought me __________.  You make me so happy!"  Like I've been starving the child or something!  The other day he even told me, "Mom, I'm so proud of you for buying me Pop Tarts."  Yay me!

Jocelyn (2) has started getting into the action too.  When I tell the kids no, I usually say "No sir" or  "No ma'am".  When she's in trouble she'll give me those cute little puppy dog eyes and say, "YES sir?"  and repeat numerous times even though I say no every time.  It's so cute though.  Or if I ask her to please do something, she'll tell me, "No sir". 

Or the time when Carissa was about 5 and just shouted in the middle of Target, " I DON'T WANT TO KISS BOYS I WANT TO KISS GIRLS!!!"  Ok, that's fine with me, really, I'm not pressuring you one way or the other!  I have no idea what sparked that one!

So, what have your kids done to embarrass you in public?  And what do they do to warm your heart?

Nannie nannie boo boo

How bout a teaser about our camping trip?  (In all actuality, my card reader broke, so I can't upload pics at work and stupid photobucket crapped out in the middle of my uploading before work today, so this will have to do.)  Full story tomorrow, or the next day or hell, maybe next year.

Anyhoo, I just had to share my wonderful exciting bargain shopping news.  I tell you, nothing gets me more excited than a good deal.  I love to save money while spending money.  A little too much my husband might add.  And my dad would say that I'm not necessarily saving money if I'm spending it.  But, whatevah! 

The kids go back to school in less than 3 weeks.  Yay! Dang it!  Summer is too damn long, do they really need a break short.  So, we decide to do a bit of shopping last night.  JCPenney is having a big sale and I really like their kids clothes.  In the same mall is a Ross Dress for Less.  And since hubby is home with the two small kids we decide to tackle the messy laundry pile that is Ross.  I really don't like shopping there because you have to weed through so much to find one good thing.  But, I had some time to spend and do love a good bargain.  Let me just say that two hours and $220 later we were done.  And here's what we got:

for Carissa:  3 bras (oh how she'd die knowing I told someone she wears bras, she even made me hold them in the store), 4 shirts, 1 cami, 2 jeans, 2 other pants, 2 shorts, 1 bermudas, one pair of Speedo flip flops and a pair of LA Gear athletic shoes

for Robert:  2 shorts, a pack of socks and 4 really cool guitar and/or skull shirts

and a four pack set of ice cream sundae dishes that I thought were adorable.  Can you believe it?  It was crazy!  That's 26 items.  Works out to $8.46 each including the tax!  For name brand stuff- Quicksilver, Speedo, LA Gear, Mudd, OP.  Crazy I tell you!

In other news, I'm starting Body for Life again.  I've got a partner and we're in it together.  I've only gained back 4 lbs from the last time I did it.  But, I feel crappy again.  I know it's because I'm not eating right.  And I really, really, really, really want to firm up my thighs, waist and upper arms.  So, if I get cranky, it's because I'm off the french fries again. 

Naked Nights

Ok, ladies, I've got a question for you:

Does your man enjoy all things naked?

Him naked, you naked, alone, together.  Just naked in general?

We had a rather interesting lunch conversation today at work.  There were six women in the room.  One of my coworkers sent her two boys to stay with Grandma for summer break.  So, she's home alone with her husband.  For four weeks!!!  Oh, the horrors!

Seriously, though.  Her husband has instituted "Naked Nights".   And it's a mandatory no clothes policy.  We were all talking about it and we just don't get it.  Women are not visual creatures like men, so there is that.  And we usually have hang-ups about our bodies.  But, still.  What's up with all the nakedness?

He wants to watch TV butt naked, play the Wii butt naked, sleep butt naked, etc., etc.

And truth be told, I KNOW my husband would be all over this too.  Heck I have to force him to put on a pair of sweat shorts around the house because the kids are a little too old to be seeing his package all the time.  But, if he had his way, he'd strut around naked 24/7.

What gives?

PMS X2

Did you know that if females live together their menstrual cycles tend to sych up?  No, well they do.

Did you know that I have a 13 year old female living in my house?  Yes, well you get the picture.

Pray for my husband and boys.  They're in for a hell of a week.