Fairytales and Margaritas

People are Like Onions (or Parfaits)

Sometimes I wonder how the person I've become meshes with the person that I am.  Most of you will say that they are one in the same, and they probably are.  But, in my mind I am a different person than the person that I've become.  Maybe my mind is just slow on the uptake.  Maybe I live in the past.  I don't know.

Most of the time, I'm happy with who I've become and what I've accomplished.  But, sometimes I play the "what if" game.  And sometimes I wonder if THIS is who I really am. 

Sometimes I want to peel all the layers of who I've become and find out what's underneath.  I want to shed my mother skin, my wife skin, my worker skin.  I just want to be ME without all the expectations.  Without all the "baggage".  But, I can't even begin to figure out who that person is.  I just know that some days I don't want to BE all those things. 

Some days I don't want to be the responsible, organized, honest, politically correct, humble, caring person.  Sometimes I want to blurt out inappropriate things or tell people to shut up.  Sometimes I don't want to have sex and don't want to feel guilty about it.  Sometimes I don't want to get people dressed, fed, etc.  Sometimes I just want to take care of myself without worrying about what others are doing, thinking, saying. 

But, this person that I am cannot do that.  Ever.  Sure, I take time for myself.  I read a book.   I get my nails done.  But, my mind is going the whole time.  And I have to set things up ahead of time.  What will the kids be doing.  When can I go when I'm not working.  Etc, etc.  Sometimes I don't want to worry about that stuff.  Sometimes I want to be selfish.

The closest I come to this is when I go out with the girls.  And I think this is true of most women in my situation.  The only time I can really cut loose without any expectations is when I'm with my girlfriends.  And even that's a struggle to make sure the kids are taken care of and we have enough money to go and everyone coordinates their schedules, etc.  But, when we're together, we don't expect anything of each other.  We all know what it feels like, so we don't put any expectations on each other.  We just have a good time.  And act juvenile.  And politically incorrect.  And it feels good.  (A lot of people have made reference to the craziness at BlogHer this week, and I think this is why some of us act that way.)  But, sometimes when we get back home, it's depressing.  Because we can only act like that for a short period of time.  Then the "burden" comes back.

And I really truly love my life.  But, sometimes it feels like everything is work.  And I know that I have to evolve as a person and can't be/act like a teenager for forever.  But, sometimes that depresses me.  I'm 33 and I've accomplished my "big" goals.  I have four kids, a husband, a nice house, a career.  What now?  I just coast for the next 20 years until we retire?  I'm a Gemini, I crave change.  I'm not saying I want to get rid of the kids or my husband.  But, I feel stagnant sometimes.  When I look at the big picture and see the next 20 years repeating the last 10 years I get claustrophobic. 

I guess my mind has to come to the realization that who I AM now is ME.  And I need to learn to love it.  I need to cherish my time with my kids and husband.  I need to learn to love the "new" me.  I've thought about taking classes here or there and starting new hobbies, but it seems like I just don't have the time or the money.  Maybe I just need a vacation!

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Happy Freakin Monday

So, I'll tell you all about camping tomorrow.  But, right now I have to tell you how much I HATE returning to the grind after days off.  HATE IT!

Mondays after days off always start bad because I have to go back to work and my husband doesn't (he works Tues-Sat).  It really sucks being the ONLY one in the house that has to get up and get ready.  So, needless to say, I dragged my feet and got to work 20 minutes late.  Which wouldn't have been a big deal because my boss had a meeting offsite.  Except for the fact that she came to work BEFORE the meeting!  Lovely!

Then I have load upon load of work to catch up on.  I spend all morning on that and still haven't caught up.

I decide to go shopping for a sundress at lunch.  I really want something lightweight to wear since the temps around here have been at 110! 

JCPenney happens to be having a big dress sale, so I go there.  Find a bunch to try on knowing that 0.00003% will actually look decent.  Put the first one on.  It's ok, but a little tight.  Go to take it off.  Um, no.  It won't come off!  The zipper has broken!  I try over my head (can't get it up to my shoulders), I try pulling it down (can't get it past my hips), I try praying, I try pulling, stretching, pleading.  By this time, I'm red in the face and sweating.  I don't know what to do.  There is no dressing room attendant.  Actually, there is no worker in sight.

So, I decide to check my embarrassment at the changing room door.  I mean seriously, everyone has had to be cut out of a dress before, right?  Right?  I put my shirt on and go traipsing through the store with the dress on my lower half.  I explain what happened to the sales lady.  She is very understanding and fetches some scissors to cut my huge ass lovely rear out of the dress.  I quickly try the rest of them on, telling her not to go far because it'll probably happen again.  Luckily, it doesn't.  I find two I like and purchase them.

I run back to work, only to find that I'm again 15 minutes late!

Happy Freakin Monday!

Naked Nights

Ok, ladies, I've got a question for you:

Does your man enjoy all things naked?

Him naked, you naked, alone, together.  Just naked in general?

We had a rather interesting lunch conversation today at work.  There were six women in the room.  One of my coworkers sent her two boys to stay with Grandma for summer break.  So, she's home alone with her husband.  For four weeks!!!  Oh, the horrors!

Seriously, though.  Her husband has instituted "Naked Nights".   And it's a mandatory no clothes policy.  We were all talking about it and we just don't get it.  Women are not visual creatures like men, so there is that.  And we usually have hang-ups about our bodies.  But, still.  What's up with all the nakedness?

He wants to watch TV butt naked, play the Wii butt naked, sleep butt naked, etc., etc.

And truth be told, I KNOW my husband would be all over this too.  Heck I have to force him to put on a pair of sweat shorts around the house because the kids are a little too old to be seeing his package all the time.  But, if he had his way, he'd strut around naked 24/7.

What gives?

Where'd you get those pants?

Isn't it strange that when women compliment each other in the next breath they almost always ask, "Where'd you get that ______?"

Isn't it odd that we immediately want to know where they got it?  Are we going to go right out and get a matching one?  Funny thing is, we could ask it to someone much smaller than us or much larger than us.  It's some weird universal thing.  We see someone with something nice and we automatically start thinking how we would look in it or how we could get one for ourselves.  And rarely do we follow through.  It's just one of those things that always comes out in conversation.

And on the other side, do you notice how often we REMEMBER where we got said item?  Nine times out of ten I can remember what store I bought something at.  Isn't that weird?  We can have tons of clothes and shoes and jewelry and somewhere in our minds we tuck away seemingly useless information about where we got them?

Now, men, HA!  Ask them where they got something.  They'll have no clue.  Except if it's some kick ass stereo or a car.

PMS X2

Did you know that if females live together their menstrual cycles tend to sych up?  No, well they do.

Did you know that I have a 13 year old female living in my house?  Yes, well you get the picture.

Pray for my husband and boys.  They're in for a hell of a week.

The Inner Struggle

And so it begins.  My first week of full time work since January 2005.  Yikes!  It's daunting to think about it, really.  Don't get me wrong, I've worked all my life, with the exception of a few maternity leaves.  But, the last time I worked full time I only had 2 kids and a much smaller house.  And going BACK to full time work after the wonderful experience of part time work is a big adjustment.  For all of us.

Although this is my first week actually working full time, I took the kids to their new preschool last week for a transition period.  The first day went great.  I don't think either one realized exactly what was going on.  Jocelyn cried a bit, but Xander was excited and did great.  But, with each passing day they get more crabby in the morning.  And the pleas become louder and sadder.  Although, I do think that Jocelyn is transitioning fairly well.  She cries for a bit when we get there, but they assure me that she settles and had a good day, although she doesn't like to eat there.  But, that's just her, she's picky and she likes to graze as opposed to sitting for meals.  But, Xander has so much anxiety each morning.  Yet, when we pick him up he's excited and loves to talk about what they've done.  He loves playing on the playground and doing projects and will talk all about it.  Until the next morning arrives.  Then he hates it and never wants to go back.  I'm praying that after another week or so this won't happen anymore.   

But, those little pleas pull at my heartstrings.  And that inner turmoil starts.  Why AM I working full time?  It's certainly not for the money as preschool sucks up every extra penny I'm making.  Why now, why not in a few years?  Is it bad to have someone else "raise" my kids for eight hours every day?  Why don't I just stay home?

AM I A BAD MOM?

I know the answers to all of those questions.  I'm doing it because my boss asked me to.  She prefers that I don't job-share anymore.  And I respect her and love to work for her, so I agreed to it.  I'm doing it now because that's when it happened.  And because I applied for that other full time job and I figure it'd be good for them to see that I'm already back full time in case they would be hesitant to hire me because of that (and if I was to get THAT job I'd be making a TON more money).  It's not bad to have someone else care for my kids every day.  And it's not every day, just four days a week.  I truly think that they do BETTER with someone else.  Someone else is better about getting them on a schedule and interacting with them more.  When I'm home with the two little ones I'm always doing something around the house or running errands.  Or Jocelyn is taking up the time I'd like to spend with Xander.  And every day is different, some days we leave the house others we don't.  There's not a lot of consistency.  And I don't stay home because I just can't.  Financially it'd be really tight, but mentally I'd be a mess if I stayed home full time.  I'm just not one of those moms.

And I don't think I'm a bad mom, either.  But, when your heartstrings are tugged, it's hard not to feel guilty.  And it's an age old struggle that all mothers face.  To work or not to work.  And people judge each decision.  And I think WE each judge our own decisions.  It's just hard.  Hard to find a good balance.  Hard to be happy with the decisions we've made. 

Hard to listen to those little cries and see those tears in the morning.

Have you ever

Been so pissed at someone that you didn't know what to do? Been so frustrated that you just didn't know how to get through to them? Tried talking to someone about what was bothering you only to get nowhere?

It seems that I'm in this place more often that I would like. I think part of it is that I still haven't learned "not to sweat the small stuff". So, small things bother me. And I can't let them go. And I take everything personally. Everything.

I try so hard to let things roll off my back, but it doesn't happen. Deep down my confidence cracks. Sometimes people don't even know that they can affect me this way. They may say something completely off the cuff and nonchalant and I'll sit and worry over it. I try to just let it go, but I can't.

But, I've learned a way to get past it without affecting anyone else. I write a letter to the person. I tell them how I'm feeling and how what they said affected me. I tell them how I would like them to handle it differently next time. I get it all out.

Now, you're asking, how does this not affect anyone else? Because I don't give it to them. I just sit on it. Sometimes I think about giving it to them, but usually not. I hold onto it for a day or two. Until I feel better. Then I shred it.

It's so freeing. I feel like I'm letting things go, yet I haven't projected my insecurities onto someone else. I've handled them myself. And it's teaching me that I can't change other people, but I can change how I'm affected by things they do to me.

I actually find that I'm a much more peaceful person this way. I used to be very confrontational with people, now I just let things go (in my own way).

How do you handle frustrations and conflict?

HAIR!

So, ladies, do you love your hair?

It seems like, as women, maybe men too, we have this love/hate relationship with our hair. We hate ours and love everyone else's. If our hair is straight we want it curly, if it's curly we want it straight. We're always striving to have someone else's hair, Jennifer Aniston, Victoria Beckham, Dorothy Hamill (maybe not so much nowadays).

I know I do. My hair is stick straight. And fine. It sucks because it's always limp. If I have it cut shorter then sometimes I can get some volume. But, I really like my hair long enough to put in a ponytail or clip. I've considered a perm, but do people still get perms? Or is that too 80s? I would like just a bit of wave in it. That way I wouldn't have to blow it out every morning. Of course, damn genetics have given one of my daughters the complete opposite. Thick, curly hair. Which she hates. She tries to straighten it all the time only to have it come out completely frizzy. What gives?

And what about color? I've had every color under the sun. It's been purple, orange, red, blonde, brown. Right now it's pretty blonde. I'd like to go towards my more natural light brown, but I'm not sure. It's been blonde for awhile now. And blonde covers all the gray. You cannot believe how much gray I have! I'm thinking of doing brown with highlights, but the maintenance scares me. I usually get my hair cut every 2-3 months. With highlights I'd have to go more regularly.

The good thing is that hair grows back. It's the one thing that I'm willing to take risks with. I've had hair down past my butt and hair shorter than my ears! I've had all sorts of colors and combinations. Bangs, no bangs. Layers, no layers. I like to have fun and experiment with my hair. Because I know that it'll grow back.

So, what about you? Do you experiment? Do you love your hair?

Get out the Kleenex!

What is it about this time of year?

It makes me all sappy and weepy. Even though I'm not hormonally pregnant this year (imagine that)! Maybe that's why this year is even worse than normal.

I am trying to cherish every holiday with my kids while they are little. I swear, I get panic attacks just thinking about how they will get older and move out. And what if they move far away and we don't spend the holidays together? That causes me some serious heart palpitations! I know my parents are having a hard time with this. All the kids are grown and out of the house. We now have to coordinate with our small immediate family, plus in laws, plus extended families. We'll probably do Christmas with my parents the Saturday before Christmas. This leaves them all alone for the actual holiday. I invite them to come to our house (as we don't like to make the kids travel on Christmas day), but I know they won't. I makes me sad to think that someday that might be us (although I'm pretty sure I'd rather drive two hours to my child's house than spend the day alone).

This year is the first year that Jocelyn can appreciate Christmas decorations. Seeing her eyes light up the first time she saw the Christmas tree brought tears to my eyes. Pretty soon it'll just be routine to her and not awe inspiring . And that makes me sad.

Xander is just starting to understand the whole "Santa thing". It's so funny to hear him ask his questions about Santa and how he gets here and gets the presents here. He doesn't understand why he didn't get a "Diego camera" the other day, right after he sat on Santa's lap. It's so cute to see his innocence. In a few weeks we'll go on our yearly trip to The Polar Express. I can't wait to see his reaction this year. I'm sure that'll make me all teary too.

And then every day our radio station grants "Christmas wishes". People write in about people they know that are going through hard times and that might not be able to provide a Christmas for their children. Then the radio station grants the wish. They give the family clothes, toys, gift certificates to the grocery store, a Christmas tree and usually they help with their utilities and rent. It gets me every time. Every single time. I drive to work bawling like a baby. It's amazing what people can do for each other.

And then the commercials. How about the commercial when the son (he's in his early 20's) buys and suit and shows up unexpectedly at his mom's house for the holidays? Sobbing like a baby here! They tug at my heartstrings!

I guess I'm just turning into an old sap. I'm happy with my current life and I get all weepy when I think about how it has to change. I wish I could just freeze the kids in time. I don't want them to grow older. I want Christmas to be special and cool for them forever. I always want them to spend it with me. I want everyone to get everything they want for Christmas. I want to believe in the good of people everywhere.

So, pass the tissue please.

Let the Countdown Begin

No, not the countdown for Christmas. The OTHER countdown. The BIG one.

Seven days until Black Friday!!!!!!!! YAY!!!!!

I really am a fanatic. I think it's because I'm such a bargain shopper. I am obsessed with saving money. Most of my purchases are very well thought out and researched. I'm the queen of cheap travel (but nice travel), grocery coupons and the clearance racks. I LOVE to get a good buy. I rarely buy anything full price, from food to clothes to toys.

That's why Black Friday is my favorite day. I can get TONS of good deals all in one day. Enough deals to last me through all of the birthdays for the whole year! I have a closet stocked full of things that I buy on BF for every birthday party we might be invited to for a whole year.

I love the thrill of it too. And the crowds. I love the crowds. It marks the beginning of the holiday season for me. The beginning of the holiday season, starts at 3:00 a.m. on November 23rd this year!

I have a whole strategy. I read the ads for weeks ahead of time, plan what I'm buying, plan the whole day- Kohls, Circuit City, Toys R Us, Wal-Mart, Sears and Target. My friend and I take turns waiting in the hellish checkout lines while the other goes and stacks their arms as high as possible. Carts are not an option.

This year, my friend is going out of town for Thanksgiving, so I'm on my own. I might have found someone else to go with me, but it's not the same. We have a tradition! We've done it for years now. When I was about to pop with Xander (and subsequently almost passed out in Toys R Us), the next year when I was pregnant with Jocelyn (luckily I did better that time) and the year after.

So, be thinking of me when you're still wrapped up in your warm blankets. I'll be camped out with my coffee, chatting up strangers in the line! I'll have to take a picture of my loot and post it next week. After my nap!