Fine and dandy...

Boy, I've got some impatient readers!

So, yeah, everything was cool.  Carissa was acting as though she was indifferent to being friends with this girl.  We had a long talk with her about it being up to her, but also the reasons that we thought she should try to stay away from her.  But, ultimately the decision was hers.  We did explain that the girl is not welcome at our house, because of her direct disrespect of my husband and that Carissa was not allowed in the girl's house because her parents are loons and would probably try to sue us if something got broken, etc.  We told her they could have the type of relationship they used to, see each other at the bus stop and school, occassionally play outside in the neighborhood.  We thought everything was cool.

Another aside:  Carissa just got a cell phone for her 14th birthday at the beginning of December.  She lied about not having detention at school and got it taken away for two weeks.  She just got it back the day after Christmas.

The day she got her phone back she was a texting fool.  I was checking to see who she was texting and it was "nay nay" who she informed me was her friend Stephanie (not the neighborhood girl).  Then, on Saturday she said she was going to go for a walk to take pictures of the snow (yes, we had snow at our house, in Arizona!).  I had a weird feeling about it, but let her go.  It's just not the normal thing that she'd do and now I know I should've trusted my gut.  So, about 15 minutes after she leaves, she texts me that this girl is out walking her dog and she's going to walk with her.  I tell her I don't think it's a great idea, but it's her decision.  But, then I start thinking about how she was texting right before she left and my gut, etc.  So, I text her back and tell her to be honest and was this all set up beforehand.  She denies it.  But, I can just tell she's lying.  I tell you, my gut really kicks in when I need it.  So, we go back and forth, I tell her to come home.  I tell her she's being sneaky, etc. etc. 

She comes home and she's PISSED!  She starts mouthing off about how I'm not trusting her and how she's not being sneaky, the whole tears and anguish and everything I've seen before.  Let me tell you, this girl could win an Academy Award.  So, I just ask for her phone.  And there in writing is all my proof.  Come to find out, "nay nay" IS the girl down the street, and it WAS all planned out ahead of time AND they are BEST FRIENDS and have been for over a year and the girl doesn't even have a dog.  Now, of course, her version of best friends and mine is a bit different since they a) never talk on the phone, b) never hang out outside of school or the bus stop c) she's never even mentioned her and when we had the whole discussion allowing their friendship she never even said she WANTED to be her friend.  But, now, of course, they're best friends and she's the ONLY person she can tell her secrets to.  I swear, this shit is emotionally exhausing.

So, we go round and round about how she shouldn't have lied.  That she was told she could be friends with her anyway, so there was no reason to lie.  We try to point out that she acts different around this girl.  How she would have been honest about the walk if it had been anyone else.  How she would have been honest about who she was texting if it had been anyone else.  How we told her it was ok to be this girl's friend, but that she's already getting in trouble because of it.  We have the whole talk about the not lying about the phone and how it's being used, yada, yada, yada.

So, now of course, the girl's parents are upset because Carissa got her phone taken away again, so she hasn't contacted their daughter and she's grounded so they can't "hang out".  The reason that she's punished is because of the lying, not because she was with their daughter.  Lying is a huge deal in our house, huge.  If we can't trust you, then you don't get priveleges, plain and simple.  But, now I've got to deal with these people again.  And frankly, I want to tell them to go away, move, lose my address, GO AWAY.  I want to tell Carissa she's forbidden to hang out with this girl, but I know they'll just do it anyway.  I'm stuck.  Also, this girl's mom works for CPS.  And to be honest, because of the type of person I already know she is, I'm afraid she'll eventually turn words around and possibly do something about it.  It's just a bad situation all around.  WHY does she have to gravitate towards the one family that is no good?  Why does she want to be friends with this girl?  There are other girls in the neighborhood that she gets along with (although this other girl doesn't), why can't THEY be her best friends?

At this point, she grounded until they go back to school, she got her phone taken away for a month and we're still trying to figure out what the extent of her friendship with the girl can be.  I just think the girl is bad, bad news, but I know making the friendship forbidden makes it even more tempting.  If I hadn't gotten her the stupid phone, I don't think they would have gotten this close.  She NEVER used to talk on our landline and she rarely goes out into the neighborhood to play.  If we don't have something going on she always invites one of the girls we DO like over to hang out, so it's never been an issue.  But, now that's she's got the phone she chooses THIS girl to talk to all the time and get close to.  UGH!!! 

Comments

[mielikki]

MG is 14, and gets grounded on a regular basis. Lying is a big deal here, too.
Thankfully, her friends are all pretty much okay, and, we live in the country, so if she goes for a "walk" it really is a walk. No one is close enough to get to!
It sounds like you and your husband have got a good grip on what's going on. It is tough

[bubblewench]

Damn. I don't know how you do it. I could never deal with all that! It's nuts! Sounds like you know what you're dealing with and how to deal with it too though. Best of luck...

[Corey]

oh Lori.....I just don't even want to think about stuff like this. I have NO advice. I just hope it gets better.

[Maria]

This story has me completely stressed out. I DO NOT want my girls to ever grow up.

[Megan@SortaCrunchy]

Oh the sneakiness. Yep, it seems like she is just about the right age to really start into all of that. I think you guys handled it the best possible way. OY - I am NOT looking forward to these days!

[Mary Ellen (Carolina Momma)]

Wow, what a tough situation! I'm so not ready for this kind of stuff!

[Laura]

Oh yuck! What a hard situation. Oh my...I dread the pre-teen/teen years.

[Sybil Law]

I'm catching up, finally, and damn! What a whopper!
You guys are doing what's right. I also read the other post, and obviously, that girls' parents KNOW she's a troublemaker if the dad has to show up and practically beg you to let them be friends. They may deny it, but deep down, those parents know. Sounds like the girl has no other friends besides your daughter.
I know you may not want to, but you could maybe suggest the girl can come hang out at your house- that way you can keep an eye on them.
Oh wait - she told your husband to "fuck off". Shit! Well, I'd make it clear she could NOT hang with her period until that girl apologized. No fricking way! That's just fucked up!
I sympathize with you. What a doozy of a situation.
Keep us updated!