Dear Martha Stewart:
I want to start out by thanking you for all of your wonderful ideas. You have such great food and craft projects. Your creative juices must be flowing 24/7. You give us all something to strive for. You show us all that perfection can be attained.
But, I do have a few suggestions. It seems to me that your slogan "It's a good thing" is really an incomplete thought. Every time I hear you say it I wonder how the thought really ends. Here are some suggestions:
It's a good thing... I don't have children around while I make all this shit.
It's a good thing...I don't have to shop at KMart. That store blows.
It's a good thing...I don't have a husband that wants to eat REAL food.
It's a good thing...I have 25 personal assistants to help me with these ridiculous crafts.
It's a good thing...I have millions of dollars to buy all these crazy supplies and unheard of ingredients.
It's a good thing...I have endless time to make all this crap.
It's a good thing...I don't have a REAL job.
It's a good thing...I don't have to clean my house AND make all this shit.
It's a good thing...I have someone that can do all the prep work so that recipes only take me 20 minutes to complete. For most it takes two hours!
It's a good thing...I have a gardener that can grow herbs for me.
It's a good thing...that I only have celebrity friends. They understand me.
Seriously, Martha, is anything you do for the "every day woman"? Why do you set this ridiculously high bar for all of us? Do you know that some people really believe we shoud be able to do it all? Do you know that some kids see the cool things you make and want their moms to do it to? Do you know that some husbands think you make it look easy to make your own holiday gifts and decorations and meals and think maybe we should be able to do it to (not my husband, he knows better than to go there)? Do you know that you actually have some of US thinking (hoping) that we can do it too?
And then we're let down. When we realize that we just can't do it. The bar you've set is unattainable. Unattainable to the real woman.
One day, I'd like to see you make an amazing tart with your fresh grown pears and fresh picked mint while four kids are running around you in the kitchen. I'd like to see how you'd react when right in the middle of making the graham cracker crust (from real homemade graham crackers!) you have to run to wipe someone's bum. I'd like to see you make that tart after working all day outside of the home. Then, I'd like to see you make a beautiful centerpiece for the table that that tart will be served on. And then, maybe you could wash some of those fine linens from KMart. Then, you tell me if you really want to iron those bad boys or if you're just gonna grab them out of the dryer and slap them on the bed. That's the show I want to watch. That's the show I can relate to. No more celebrities pouring premeasured ingredients into a bowl. No more walks in the garden. No more about your gazillion dollar horse barn with touch screen computers and radiant heat flooring. For god's sake, your horses live better than I do.
Keep it real Martha. Real is a good thing.
Sincerely,
Another Woman Who is Still Trying to Reach that Bar