Fairytales and Margaritas

Ugh!

So, usually I don't talk much about my In Laws or my husband on here.  There's a reason for that.  My husband is an extremely private person.  He doesn't even like me to talk to my friends in real life about him.  So, I respect that.  And I usually just talk about other things.  And actually, this post isn't even about him.  It's about his parents.

Right off, I will tell you that there are things about them that I appreciate.  They love to watch the kids and are even willing to take all four of them at a time!  Sometimes even overnight!  They take them to the movies often and any time we ask them to watch the kids so we can go out they do.

But, they drive me crazy in so many ways!  Today's incident is just one of them.  ANd it's fresh and I'm frustrated!  And I can't vent to my husband because a) he's heard it all before b) he feels much the same way that I do and c) he thinks I'm being a little crazy this time.

Here's the thing:  my In Laws have been remodeling their "house" for over a year now.  I say "house" because really they would have been better off knocking down what is there now and just redoing the whole thing.  But, instead they've spent tons of money fixing things that will never be right.  But, whatever!  Throughout the whole process they've asked for my advice.  On the layout.  On the architectural changes.  On the flooring.  On the lighting.  You get the idea.  I drive to Home Depot and look at samples with them, I give them my input, I look things up on the Internet for them, I go to the house and help them.  Yet, they ALWAYS do whatever the hell they want to do anyway!  It really doesn't matter what I say.  They still make their own decisions.

So, today they call my cell phone at 2:00.  I couldn't answer at the time and check the voice mail where they don't tell me what they want (they NEVER do) but to call them back.  So, I e-mail my husband and tell him to call them.  (I really try to avoid them.  And I figured they couldn't get ahold of him because his cell phone doesn't work in his work area.)  So, he calls them, then calls me back and says they really wanted to talk to me.  They want help picking out a sofa.  So, then I ask why they called me at 2:00 in the afternoon on a weekday.  He said they didn't know what time I got out of work.  Really?  Really?  I've been working here for YEARS!  I ALWAYS get out at 5:00.  But, whatever. 

Then he goes on to say that the sofa they're looking at is only on sale through Saturday, so they're going to call this evening to see if I can go see it.  So, I ask when they think I'd be able to do that.  He says, "Saturday".  This is where I loose my cool.  I have things to do Saturday!  I work full time, remember?  I have to run all my errands on Saturday.  Along with the soccer game on Saturday morning and trying to get the kids Christmas pictures done.  I don't want to go ALL the way across town to go look at a sofa that I know they're going to buy anyway!  I DON'T WANT TO!

So, my husband gets a bit defensive.  He says that he thought I'd wait for him to get home from work to take the kids pictures so that he could help.  And maybe I would have.  But, maybe not.  If I don't do it in the morning then I have to wait until about 5:00 in the evening so that the light is right (seriously it's still sunny and 90 degrees around here!).  And if I wait I know he won't want to go anyway.

But, the whole point is that I don't want to drive into town to look at a freakin' sofa for someone that's going to do whatever the hell they want to anyway on MY TIME! 

But, I know I'll cave and I'll do it.  And then I'll be resentful of them and my husband for the rest of the weekend.

Way to go me!

Mommy Guilt?

I have to admit something.  Something that I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to feel bad about, but I don’t. 

I don’t feel bad being a working mother.

There, I said it.  Phew!

The thing is, I KNOW in my heart of hearts that I could not handle being a stay at home mom.  I just couldn’t.  I need to get out of the house.  I need adult interaction.  I need to use my brain (not that trying to figure out the manipulations of my children isn’t using my brain, but it’s a different part).

I know some struggle with whether to go back to work.  I know some moms would give anything to be able to stay home with their kids all the time.  But, I’m not one of them.  I love going to work.  And I love coming home to my kids.  But, there was never a time that I thought I would stay at home with the kids.  Never. 

My aunt thinks I’m crazy.  She always wanted to stay home with her boys, but money was tight and she had to work.  But, I wonder if she wanted that “dream” of staying home.  Would she really have loved it if she’d lived it?  I’m not sure.  Did she want it just because that’s what you’re supposed to say?  You’re supposed to want to stay home with your kids.  You’re supposed to want them raised by their family.  You’re supposed to give up part of yourself for your children.  At least that’s what we’re taught.

But, I think working makes me a better mom.  I enjoy the time I have with them more.  I cherish it.  It’s not a day in day out 24 hours a day thing.  So, I truly appreciate the time we have.  Also, I don’t stress as much about them.  If I was there all the time I’d see every little thing they did wrong.  And it’d drive me crazy.  I’d be the constant disciplinarian and teacher and cook and maid, etc.  And that would stress me the heck out!

Plus, they LOVE going to school.  Their teachers are great.  They have fun activities and games.  They come home full of new ideas and words and songs.  And then they ask to go back to school!  Sometimes I wonder if this means that they have more fun at school than at home.  But, I think it just means that they have TWO safe, fun places to go.  And for that I’m thankful. 

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’d love to stay home SOME.  Like when I worked part time.  That was the best of both worlds.  I still got to get out and go to work, but I also got some quality time at home.  If I had the chance to do it again, I’d definitely work part time.  I was able to adjust my schedule for school activities for the older kids and do my errands during the week so the weekends were relaxing.  Now that I’m full time, I miss school functions and our weekends are jam packed with errands.

But, I don’t feel guilty for working.  And I’m pretty sure that “society” wants me to, but I don’t.

Sweet Halloween

You wouldn’t think that such a fun, silly holiday like Halloween would get me feeling nostalgic and thinking about the kids growing older.  But, for some reason this year I am.  I think part of it is that this year Jocelyn understands it more.  She knows WHY I’m putting some crazy outfit on her.  She knows about the cause and effect of ringing a doorbell and saying the words “trick or treat”.  And it gets me all emotional.

I know, I’m crazy.  Crying because my baby enjoys Halloween.  But, how many more of these holidays do we have?  Carissa is almost 14, how many more years will she dress up and act like a kid?  How many more years will we all be able to dress up as a family? 

I love these days.  I love seeing the kids all dressed up and thinking they’re super cool.  I love them getting so excited to get crappy candy, even though we’ve got bags of candy in our own cupboards.  I love the innocence and the fun of it.  Thank goodness my boys aren’t old enough to act like hooligans on Halloween, yet.

I just start to think about 10 years down the road.  I’ll probably only have two little ones trick or treating.  And 15 years down the road I won’t have any.  Now, I know, 15 years is a LONG time.  But, is it?  When we don’t stop and smell the roses 15 years goes by like a blink of an eye.  I try to be cognizant of that every day.  But, it’s hard sometimes.  We get busy.  We go to work, we do the day in and day out and don’t stop to enjoy the current moment in time.

I’ve been trying lately to live more in the moment.  Trying to remember and record the cute things, the funny things.  I don’t want to forget these days.  I don’t want to end up like my mom and not remember what the kids were for Halloween.  And heck, I don’t want to stop dressing up for Halloween.  But, I think the day will come.  I mean, seriously, who wants to see an old lady dressed up for Halloween?  Not me.

But, for the time being, I’ll enjoy my little cheeseballs.  And remember how dang cute they were.

Run Ragged

So, my whiney posts about how much I've got on my plate right now?

Yup, totally caught up to me.  I swear I was on my deathbed on Wednesday.  I think my anemia got the best of me and I got something else on top of that and THEN I just exhausted myself by running here and there.  I'm feeling a bit better now, remembering to take my vitamins and taking in extra nutrients in protein bars and shakes.

But, I'm going for some tests on the 4th.  My body has been rebelling ever since I had my last child and I think I need to get some things worked out.

So, needless to say I've cancelled a Cub Scout activity for this weekend and I promise that I'm going to sit on my butt all day on Sunday.  That's an order to myself!

Making a Great First Impression

Take one mom and four kids.

Get them all ready and out the door by 8:30 for a "surprise" open house at Daddy's work.

Take them around to all the "exhibits" (i.e. helicopter, K-9, horses, radio room,etc.) for 2 1/2 hours in the 90 degree Arizona sun.

After you're done with the tour wait 1/2 an hour for the pizza to be delivered.

While waiting, sit near another family.

Have your 3 year old throw rocks at their 4 year old.

Reprimand your 3 year old who's been a stinker all day.

Make chit chat with said family.

Answer question about why you are at said open house with the fact that your husband works there and that you were just hired also.

Have the man you're chit chatting with inform you that he's the Chief.

Make weird face realizing that this will soon be your BIG boss.

Remain embarassed that your son threw rocks at his daughter and that you had no idea who he was.

End scene.

Can't wait for my first day!

My Rant- Another Political Post (Prop 8)

Ok, let me preface by saying this will be more of a rant that an educated political post.  Let me also say that I don't live in California.  And I'm not gay. 

I will also admit that I'm not even sure why I'm so passionate about this.  I have no gay family members, no close friends that are gay.  But, this is something that I'm totally passionate about.  And that I know 100% where I stand.  Maybe that's why I'm so passionate about it.  Other issues like healthcare, immigration, education, etc. I don't always know where I stand.  There are a lot of different solutions and I'm not sure which will work and which won't.  But, as far as gay marriage, to me, there's only one solution- allow it, period.

Some say it's a religious issue.  I don't understand this.  If there is separation of church and state how can it be a religious issue?  Churches aren't being forced to perform gay marriages.  If a church doesn't support gay marriage, that's fine with me.  But, why should the church decide if the city hall or the justice of the peace wants to perform a marriage?  And if it's the terminology that trips people up, I personally think it's ok to call it a civil union. BUT, if you call it a civil union then I think that all ceremonies performed outside the church should be called civil unions.  (Just my personal opinion, I certainly don't speak for the gay community.)  And my other issue, what about those of us that are NOT religious?  Why is it that those of us that aren't religious have to be ruled by laws based on someone else's religious views?

Another issue that people bring up- that people choose to be gay.  To me this is ridiculous.  Why would someone choose to be gay?  Why would someone willingly decide to submit themselves to ridicule and hatred and intolerance?  It's not some flippant decision that people make.  Even if it was a choice, what is the benefit?  It's not like this society is accepting of gay people.  (Once again, just my opinion, I don't speak for the gay community.)

Another issue I have with Prop 8 is the scare tactics that the church is advertising.  If gay marriage is allowed, homosexuality will be taught in schools?  Are you kidding me?

Here's the deal, to me this is the same as being intolerant to inter racial marriage.  Same thing.  And if you think that's ridiculous and despicable, then I don't see how you can be against gay marriage.

If you want more information, I strongly urge you to read this blog:  Lesbian Dad.  Read what she has to say about Prop 8.  Also, read back into her archives.  Read about her passion and love for her beloved.  Read about how she nurtures and cares and cherishes her children.  And then you tell me that they shouldn't be allowed to be together.  You tell me that what they have is wrong.  You tell me they aren't just as great, if not better, than any heterosexual couple you know.

Here's another case in point:  I work for the juvenile court.  We handle all the cases in which parents abuse and neglect their kids.  You know what, in all my years at the court I've only seen one case where the abuse/neglect was done by a gay couple.  But, I do know that we have a gay male couple that are foster parents.  And I know that they take the kids that no one wants.  The older kids.  The ones that have been abused for many years.  The ones that are so broken and damaged that we lose hope for  them.  They're destined to spend the time until they turn 18 in a group home.  But, these men take them and nurture them and love them like their biological parents didn't.  How is that wrong? 

My last thought:  If you don't support gay marriage, that's your decision.  But, please make sure that you're informed.  (And also, the proposition that is up for vote in Arizona is NOT the same as Prop 8.  Not at all.  The only thing that the AZ prop does is define marriage as "one man and one woman".  Gay marriage is not currently allowed in AZ and no matter what decision made, gay marriage still will not be allowed in AZ.  Unlike how gay marriage IS currently allowed in CA and would be directly affected by Prop 8.)

Bah Humbug or Warm and Cozy- How do you feel?

I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays.  While I love the spirit of the holidays and love the food and family and decorations.  But, I also hate the planning and spending money and cooking and cooking and cleaning and did I mention cooking? And the STRESS!

I know I always bite off more than I can chew during the holidays, but that’s part of the allure for me.  I can’t just sit there!  I’ve got to be in control!  And organizing!  (I really never take a break.)

First, we’ve got Halloween.  It’s a pretty big deal in our house.  Every year the WHOLE family dresses up in a theme.  Remember this one:

So, finding something that everyone agrees on is really hard.  But, we’ve found a theme for this year.  But, then I have to find the costumes, etc., etc.  And my husband’s cousin always has a big ole bash, plus the school’s party, plus the trick or treating and trunk or treating, etc.

Plus the decorations.  We usually go all out with our decorations.  My husband LOVES Halloween.  We have lots of skulls and skeletons and spooky stuff.  I love to put it up, but HATE to take it down and pack it all back up.

Then there’s a bit of a lull.  And when I say lull, I mean back to our normal chaos- Cub Scouts, soccer, Girl Scouts, babysitting, work, etc.  This is the time that I usually try to take a family picture for Christmas cards.  Oh what fun it was last year!

Then there’s Thanksgiving.  I ALWAYS cook for Thanksgiving.  I do love to cook, but it seems like it’s all I do during the holidays.  Sometimes it’s just our immediate family for Thanksgiving; sometimes the IL’s or my parents come.  I’m not even sure who will show up this year!  I know some will say I should have everyone bring a dish to pass, but this really isn’t a good idea.  My mother in law doesn’t really cook, so whatever she brings is usually something warmed up after being taken out of the freezer.  And my parents are so dang unreliable that they probably wouldn’t show up and major portions of dinner would be missing.

Then there’s BLACK FRIDAY!  My favorite day of the year.  I could go on and on about my love of Black Friday, but I’ll save that for closer to the date.

Then, the Christmas decorations.  Once again, I go WAY overboard.  I will admit that I have four trees!  And those are regular sized trees!  I have smaller ones throughout the house.  Every single surface gets decorated for Christmas, inside and out!

Then, we’ve got Carissa’s birthday.  I’m always trying to come up with cool birthday ideas since she’s past the age of just having a little party with friends.  This year I’m trying to win four tickets to a cool concert that’s being played on her birthday.  I thought I could score major points if I took her and two friends to a concert!

Then, we have the Polar Express- our trek across the state up to the cold for our two days in snow.  And the train ride.  It’s a family tradition that I truly cherish.  Although I could do without the car ride up and back!

Then we have the actual holiday of Christmas.  And figuring out when and where we’re going to celebrate with both sides of the family.  And who’s feelings will be hurt more and what in the hell do I buy my drug addicted 23 year old brother.  You know, all those good times!  Plus, I usually kill myself and make about 200 DOZEN cookies!  Although, I have vowed to cut back this year.  I just cannot physically do it.  I don’t have enough hours in the day or arms and eyes enough to keep the kids occupied while I open the oven door every 10 minutes for the next 2342345 hours!  Maybe I’ll only make 50 dozen this year.

And the gifts.  Teachers, newspaper deliverer, bus driver, coaches, coworkers, family, kids, etc. etc.  It’s overwhelming and expensive.  Last year I started making the kids MAKE each others gifts.  It works out really well, expect only one of them could do their projects on their own.  I had to help/supervise the others.  So, while it was a great idea, it cost me more than if I just let them pick out a present in the store.

And super smart me has decided this year that many of my relatives will be getting homemade scrapbooks from Heritage Makers.  Call me a glutton for punishment!  I will get those books made before the holidays!

So, yes, while I really do love it all, by January I need a nice relaxing beach and some strong liquor.  Unfortunately, in January I have to take down the Christmas decorations and we have another birthday.

Oh lord, someone hold me while I have a breakdown just thinking about it!

The Time I Almost Said No

So, I have this little problem.  I'm pretty sure I need speech therapy.  See, every time I leave my house, my mind forgets how to tell my mouth to form the word no.  Every single time. 

I'm just fine at home.  The word no flies out left and right.  But, somehow I leave the house and I loose all sensibility.

It happened again last night.  Robert went to his first Cub Scout meeting.  Since there were mean enough to schedule the meeting at the time of a football AND baseball games, I decided to take him instead of his dad.  So, we get there and it's pretty much chaos.  I mean, c'mon, the whole thing is run by the dads.  Dads that I'm pretty sure wanted to be home watching the football AND baseball games.

So, being the control freak, organization junkie, I start right in on how I could help everyone fill out their registration paperwork and all of a sudden I've agreed to be the Membership Chair for the Pack Committee!  Seriously, before I even knew what was happening!

I swear, I've always had this problem.  Every time the PTA, teacher, Girl Scouts, sports teams, homeless people need me, I'm there.  I just can't say no.  I think, "If I say no then no one will do it."

It's not that I mind really, I mean I am a people pleaser.  And doing things like this for my kids makes me happy and is a bonding experience.  But, sometimes I just can't do it all.  I can't make all the cupcake and organize all the paperwork and make the calls and drive across town.  I just can't.  I've been better lately.  I use the "excuse" that I work full time or that I have four kids.  But, sometimes I think that's just a cop out. 

Like last night.  They definitely need someone like me.  Not to be conceited or anything, but they need a MOM.  They need someone to organize them a bit.  And for goodness sake, someone to bring snack!  No one brought snack!  Where was the snack!  We always have snack!

So, looks like not only am I a Girl Scout, now I'm a Boy Scout too.

(And a PTA member and a soccer/Little League/volleyball/track mom.)

Things I'd love to do

(some reasonable, some not)

Take a world cruise

Join the Peace Corps

Become a midwife

Learn to ride a motorcycle

Learn to sew

Go to the Olympics (to watch, not participate)

Have a sit down with Johnny Depp (or lay down, whichever he chooses)

Become really physically fit

Be on a game show (weird, I know)

Open a bakery

Make enough money to leave my kids a nice inheritance

Work as a genetic consultant

Find a cure for cancer

Find a church I like and agree with

Have a water birth (not an option anymore)

Have LASIK

Renovate an old house

Learn to like veggies

How’s that for a random list?

The Skeletons In My Closet Have Come Out

Um yeah, not sure I’m going to actually have that new job.  My background investigation started last week.  In addition to filling out numerous questionnaires, fingerprint cards and the like, they also come out to meet with me, my co-workers, my neighbors, people I haven’t seen in 10 years and the doctor who delivered me.  Ok, maybe not the last one, but they do face to face interviews will all the rest.

I had to admit that I wasn’t too concerned.  I filled out the paperwork and they only asked my history going back 10 years.  I thought, “go me!” , I’ve been a fine upstanding citizen for the last 10 years.  Nothing to worry about!

Then he gets here.  And he has another 30 page questionnaire to fill out.  This one going back to EVER!  Seriously, like back to birth!  Unfortunately, I wasn’t a find upstanding citizen oh say, 15 years ago.  I went through a wild child stage right after high school and did some crazy things.  So, we had to go over all of that crap.  Actually, I don’t think that stuff’s going to hurt me, but it’s memories that I don’t care to relive.  It was a bad time in my life and having to talk about it isn’t fun.

Then, we had the truly odd questions:

Have you ever used prescription medication?  (Thankfully, he clarified that they were looking for mainly pain meds.  Unfortunately, I’ve had oral surgery twice and birth four kids, so I’m pretty sure I’ve taken meds at some point, but couldn’t remember what or when!)

Have you ever broken the law and not been caught, including speeding?  (I swear, is this a trick question?  Are they just wanting to see if I’m stupid enough to say no?)

Have you ever had disloyal feelings toward the U.S.?  (I really wanted to say, “Only if Sarah Palin becomes president?”  But, I held back.)

Then the shitty part.  He asked if I have any family members with drug problems, drug arrests, etc.  Unfortunately, both of my brothers have had serious drug issues.  So, I had to disclose all of that.  I’m really hoping that doesn’t hurt me.  I’m pretty sure my one brother was arrested for intent to sell at one point.  I’m not all that close to my brothers.  They’re quite a bit younger than me and they went through this awful time and I completely shut myself off from them.  Just recently we’ve been in contact more, but it’s only when I go to my mom’s house and for holidays.  We’re really not close.  But, I’ll be pissed if I don’t get this job because of them. 

So, now I’m in a holding pattern once again.  They have to finish talking to everyone I’ve ever looked at and then they write a report and turn it in to be reviewed.  If they still want me, then they’ll give me a start date.  We’re probably looking at 6-8 weeks away.

Ugh, the stress of this job is killing me!

Sorry the spacing is all messed up.  Because I have limited time on the Internet, I type in Word and copy and paste, but it doesn't seem to translate well.  Sorry!