But are they REAL?

This is a question I get asked frequently.  People just don't get it.  Especially people that don't have them themselves.

And NO, I'm not talking about boobs.  I have NEVER been asked that question about my boobs.  Maybe "do you even have any?", but not if they're real.  It's very obvious that there's been no enhancement here.

No, I'm talking about online friends.  People that don't have blogs or online "relationships" don't understand.  They don't understand how I can have friends, REAL friends that I've never met.  They don't get it.  My husband, my family, my coworkers, they just don't understand.

They think my Internet friends are fake or 50 year old perverted old men or space aliens.  I guess they think I'm just IMing with my computer or having conversations with random unknown people.  They worry that these crazed criminals are going to prey on me or take advantage of me.  When they talk about my friends, they add air quotes or call them my imaginary friends or my fake friends.

I try to explain it.  I really do.  I try to tell them that I've know some of these people for four years!  I don't think anyone could keep up the act of being a 30 something soccer mom while they are really a 50 year old pervert for four years.  I think I'd catch on. 

See, it all started in 2004 when I was pregnant with Xander.  I happened to stumble upon Babycenter.  I joined the birth club for people expecting in January 2005.  We had a great group of women.  We talked about lactating and mucus plugs and all sorts of good stuff.  We posted ultrasound pictures and argued fought  discussed breastfeeding, going back to work, co-sleeping, vaccinating, etc.  We really bonded.  We all had something in common and that common thread brought us together.  But, Babycenter is notorious for trolls.  And they started popping up everywhere.  So, the core group of us (70+ strong) went to a private board. 

And there our friendships have blossomed and grown.  We talk about EVERYTHING!  Sex, our past, our hopes and dreams, our frustrations, our husbands, our kids, our jobs, religion, politics, EVERYTHING!  We bitch and moan and cuss, we cry and laugh and love.  We've gone through miscarriages and teenage years (some of us old folks already have teenagers) and deaths of loved ones and divorce.  We've also gone through new siblings, new jobs, vacations, meet ups, new businesses.  Everything you have in a face to face friendship.  Except the fact that we can't touch each other. 

We certainly SEE each other on a regular basis.  We're always posting pictures.  I've even met up with some of them.  It's so wonderful to actually meet.  I feel like I've truly known these women for years and when you meet it's like seeing a long lost friend.  I try to explain that to people.  I try to tell them that I'd recognize any one of these women in the grocery store, in the airport, at Disneyland.  And not know, like you recognize a celebrity.  Like KNOW.  I could probably tell you what her kids had for breakfast, where she bought their clothes, what her husband does for a living, what kind of car they drive, when they last went on a date.  We definitely know each other.  Probably better than I know some of my "touchable" friends.

And I've met even more wonderful women (and a few men) through blogging.  And I feel like I know them too.  For a lot of people blogging is almost like a diary.  And we put it all out there for everyone to see.  And by posting and reading and commenting we form strong friendships.  Even though we may never meet (although I AM GOING TO BLOGHER09 COME HELL OR HIGH WATER).

Never have these friendships been more real to me, than right now.  I posted about my friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer.  Did I mention that she lives in Ireland?  Did I mention that I've never "met" her?  Did I mention that she's one of my dearest friends?  We have know each other for four years and I love her like a sister.  I would do anything for her.  I want to ease her pain, I want to comfort her.

And I know we ALL do.  Over the years our birth board has had a few spats and there have been a few splits, new boards were started, people left, etc.  But, in the face of this tragedy, everyone on our e-mail lists was contacted.  And let me tell you 70+ women were back together again.  We all put aside our differences and pulled together for Suzy.  Someone that only a handful have even met.  (I won't go into detail on what we're doing because  I know she reads and I want her to be surprised.  I'll fill you in after she finds out.)  The outpouring of love and support is amazing.  The ideas and gifts that are on the way to her are touching to say the least. 

I sit here with a lump in my throat writing this.  These women mean the world to me.  Though I haven't actually touched most of them, they are my closest dearest friends.  And to anyone that can't understand that, I pity you.  Because you don't know what it's like to have true friends all over the globe that will hold your hand and cry with you and laugh with you and love you.

Comments

[Corey]

So wonderfully written. Like you were in my head. I am honored to have you as a REAL friend.

[Laura]

I love this, Lori. And I love you! I've totally stopped saying "online friend" when I talk about one of you girls, both because I get the air quotes too, and because it doesn't seem like a necessary distinction anymore. A real friend is a real friend, and you are as real as it gets!

[Suzy]

Love you like a sister, too, Lori. And you are quite right. You guys are some of the very, very best friends I have ever had or could ever have. Yeah, my situation sucks, but I am able to smile because of YOU all, you have given me such strength and such love. I can never being to repay you all...but I know I don't have to, because that's what REAL friends are for. Love you.

[holly]

it is only understood once you *do* this. nobody really gets it if they don't. people *certainly* don't get taking funky pictures for the blog. it's VERY much like having kids. you don't *get* it until you have them.

...
oh i can't take it anymore! fine fine fine fine fine! i'm really a 50 year old perverted man with man boobs. wanna go out?

[Summer]

Yeah man. I see my friends and families eyes glaze over when I even mention the word blog. They are missing out on sooo much!

[Skry]

I came here for a gander after reading Suzy's blog. Dunno what you girls are up to, but it sounds like people should be meeting in dark alley's and swapping brown paper bags with "Goods" and "Money" written on them!

You summed up a lot about how I feel about my friends online. I recently moved from Ireland (where I know Suzy from) to New Zealand on the other side of the planet. Now all my touchable friends are as real as my online friends, so if someone tells me that they don't exist I'd be rather put out to say the least! Suzy not existing? Inconceivable!!

My wife posts to a few boards and one of them started a thread called "Real people" where, when 2 or more people from the board got together, they'd take a picture of themselves holding a piece of paper saying "Real people" on it, so you'd know they weren't 50 year old perverts.

Oh and Suzy, if you're reading this, I've only got 21 years to my 50th birthday... ;-)

[Jules]

Ok, can I tell you how much I love this post!??!!???

You are so totally right about all of it, I feel so priveledged to be a part of a group of very, very real friends.

Oooh, and I totally want to go to BlogHer09! Wouldn't that be a blast????

[Avitable]

My best friend is someone I met through blogging, and she and I didn't meet for over a year. I also host a huge Halloween party each year and invite all of my blogger friends to come so that everybody can put faces with the names.

[Mary Ellen (Carolina Momma)]

What a great post Lori! ((hugs))

[Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for children]

I know exactly what you mean. My husband and I are going to Chicago this weekend to hang out with one of my online friends. I hope he'll finally see that these online people are REAL.

[Megan@SortaCrunchy]

Awwwwwww, I love this, Lori! I'm so glad you wrote this up. Like Laura, I've also just stopped saying "online friends" or "message board friend" because it somehow demeans the relationship for those who don't get it. I've made some dear and wonderful friends through blogging, but NO ONE knows me as well as our mommy board friends. hee hee.

Definitely, definitely you guys are my real friends, and like you, I was just overwhelmed to see everyone come together for Suzy.

Thanks again for writing this up. If I can keep from having another baby in the coming year, maybe I'll join you at BlogHer 09! ;)

[San Diego Momma]

I so get it. I just started blogging regularly this year, and already I've made amazing friends that I'd do nearly anything for.

I hope all goes well for Suzy. She's lucky to have friends like you.

[bubblewench]

WOOHOO! Yes! I know that feeling! People who don't do this just don't understand.

I tried to explain Twitter to someone, disaster.

Hope Suzy likes her surprise! Can't wait to find out what it is.

[hawkfeather]

i know ALL about what you are saying.
mine was ivillage- expecting club for April 2005.. and after the dramas we moved.. a couple moves later we have a small board of VERY close friends.

we have lost children, parents, grandparents.. had weddings- had at least a dozen more babies..
divorces.. marital betrayals.. addictions- poverty.. celebrations.. over coming hardships.. and I swear the positives would not have been so beautiful and the negatives would have been devastating if not for our online friends.

They ARE my friends- I discuss their lives.. I dream about them and cry with them.. i laugh and get angry -all of it.

I have seen the *IRL* (in real life) short form before.. and I say every time...

THIS.. this right here IS my real life.
and it is a better one because of the friends I have made on the net.

[Sybil Law]

Well, I'm not 50, or a man, but I am a pervert. Can we go out for drinks sometime?!
Haha
You're awesome. And so correct - people are such dorks when you talk about a friend you know mainly from being online. I don't even differentiate how I know people when I talk about them - because the looks you get...

[Tina]

I love this post. My sentiments exactly.