Sometimes I wonder how the person I've become meshes with the person that I am. Most of you will say that they are one in the same, and they probably are. But, in my mind I am a different person than the person that I've become. Maybe my mind is just slow on the uptake. Maybe I live in the past. I don't know.
Most of the time, I'm happy with who I've become and what I've accomplished. But, sometimes I play the "what if" game. And sometimes I wonder if THIS is who I really am.
Sometimes I want to peel all the layers of who I've become and find out what's underneath. I want to shed my mother skin, my wife skin, my worker skin. I just want to be ME without all the expectations. Without all the "baggage". But, I can't even begin to figure out who that person is. I just know that some days I don't want to BE all those things.
Some days I don't want to be the responsible, organized, honest, politically correct, humble, caring person. Sometimes I want to blurt out inappropriate things or tell people to shut up. Sometimes I don't want to have sex and don't want to feel guilty about it. Sometimes I don't want to get people dressed, fed, etc. Sometimes I just want to take care of myself without worrying about what others are doing, thinking, saying.
But, this person that I am cannot do that. Ever. Sure, I take time for myself. I read a book. I get my nails done. But, my mind is going the whole time. And I have to set things up ahead of time. What will the kids be doing. When can I go when I'm not working. Etc, etc. Sometimes I don't want to worry about that stuff. Sometimes I want to be selfish.
The closest I come to this is when I go out with the girls. And I think this is true of most women in my situation. The only time I can really cut loose without any expectations is when I'm with my girlfriends. And even that's a struggle to make sure the kids are taken care of and we have enough money to go and everyone coordinates their schedules, etc. But, when we're together, we don't expect anything of each other. We all know what it feels like, so we don't put any expectations on each other. We just have a good time. And act juvenile. And politically incorrect. And it feels good. (A lot of people have made reference to the craziness at BlogHer this week, and I think this is why some of us act that way.) But, sometimes when we get back home, it's depressing. Because we can only act like that for a short period of time. Then the "burden" comes back.
And I really truly love my life. But, sometimes it feels like everything is work. And I know that I have to evolve as a person and can't be/act like a teenager for forever. But, sometimes that depresses me. I'm 33 and I've accomplished my "big" goals. I have four kids, a husband, a nice house, a career. What now? I just coast for the next 20 years until we retire? I'm a Gemini, I crave change. I'm not saying I want to get rid of the kids or my husband. But, I feel stagnant sometimes. When I look at the big picture and see the next 20 years repeating the last 10 years I get claustrophobic.
I guess my mind has to come to the realization that who I AM now is ME. And I need to learn to love it. I need to cherish my time with my kids and husband. I need to learn to love the "new" me. I've thought about taking classes here or there and starting new hobbies, but it seems like I just don't have the time or the money. Maybe I just need a vacation!
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Excellent post. And I agree, time with girlfriends is vital for a woman's well-being. I don't know what I would do without my friends (both in-real life and blogger buddies!)
Posted by: In the Trenches of Mommyhood | July 22, 2008 at 09:41 AM
Ugh. I feel like that ALL the time. I love my life, and this is the life I've chosen for myself and worked hard to have, and I don't want a different life. BUT I do. There are times when it is too much work to be constantly consumed with who needs what and when and never thinking of yourself. I am going home to FL soon, and all my friends there are single with no kids. I can't even imagine what that must be like. Going out, not worrying about the kids or your husband. I really can not even imagine it. My mind needs to catch up too and realize this is me and this is my life and this will be my life for a very long time.
Posted by: Jessica Moore | July 22, 2008 at 10:06 AM
Yeah. As much as I love my life, I sometimes wonder which one of my roles is really ME, KWIM? Because I have to be so many things to so many people (mommy, wife, friend, etc.) Underneath it all...who am I? Or am I all of it?
Posted by: Laura | July 22, 2008 at 12:04 PM
nice transparent post Lori. good to see inside your mind and heart. :)
I think it could be a case of grass is greener in some ways. There are single women out there just yearning for a husband and kids. I suppose it is just difficult to be consumed by any one thing for too long. variety really might be the spice of life.
Posted by: Corey | July 22, 2008 at 12:11 PM
Great post. I often have the same questions and desires and yearnings to determine who I am. I'm not a Gemini, but I love change. Love it.
Perhaps a vacation would help. well, it couldn't hurt, right??
Posted by: pgoodness | July 22, 2008 at 01:59 PM
Great post Lori! I think the conclusion you came up with is reasonable! Instead of figuring out how to be that person you knew, learn to love the person you are. XOXO, either way, I think you are awesome!
Posted by: MommaV | July 22, 2008 at 02:14 PM
This is a great post. As a single woman I can honestly say that I feel the same way sometimes. Time away does help some....I've taken up new hobbies too and that helps too. Basically doing something that is totally out of the ordinary for me has helped me when ever that feeling comes along.
Posted by: BITR Country Girl | July 23, 2008 at 07:41 AM
yeah i'm not a gemini either, but i love change. i hope that never changes.
oh.
but yeah, that thing about different 'you's i so get it. i'd love to see myself through my children's eyes one day.
...or perhaps i *don't*...yikes.
Posted by: holly | July 23, 2008 at 04:20 PM
Well said.
Let's go on a girls' vacation.
PLEASE!
;)
Posted by: Sybil Law | July 23, 2008 at 05:23 PM
This resonated with me a lot. Quite often I wish I could shed those "personas" (the mom, the professional, the wife, the daughter, the displaced Puerto Rican) and just be "myself" for a while. Usually what I want the most is quiet, and no demands on my time for a while. If I get those, I am happy.
Posted by: Ingrid | July 25, 2008 at 04:04 PM
Thanks Lori. I'll be back to read properly soon but thanks so much for the Pulmonary Haemosiderosis heads up. You're a star. Mwah.
Posted by: Jo Beaufoix | July 27, 2008 at 03:34 AM
I don't know how I found your blog, but I'm glad I did. I've read through quite a bit of it and find that I relate to much of what you say so well. This post is a repeat of a post that I've had in my mind to write (I'm like you in that I can be asleep and write posts in my head. :D) Thanks for being so open and honest. Now I know that it's not just me.
Posted by: Tina | August 09, 2008 at 11:56 PM