So, last Friday Black Hockey Jesus (one of the funniest guys ever) was doing his Best of Times/Worst of Times and it was about things kids say. I left him some of our memorable ones in a comment, but after thinking about it, I remembered a whole bunch more.
I swear, with four kids of various ages, sometimes I wish I could just shove a granola bar in their mouths when they start to speak in public (ya know, like the commercial). Sometimes I can see it coming and it's like you're in slow motion and just cannot say anything loud enough or fast enough to stop it. And after the damage is done I never know what to do: ignore it or acknowledge it? I usually just make some stupid comment like, "That's not nice to say." or " We don't talk like that." But I wish I had something good to say. Something that would make the person that my child just offended feel better. Or think I was definitely handling my shit. But, I think they usually think I'm raising my kids he wrong way.
Here are a few of my favorite bad lines from my kids:
From Carissa (3 at the time) in the grocery store, in the cart next to the polish sausage sections, "Ew, that looks like daddy's penis." My reaction, walk away. Leaving her in the cart by the sausage penises.
From Carissa (4 at the time)- She had spent the night at the ILs. When they were bringing her back they informed us that she told them some good stories. Especially the one about how mommy and daddy take showers together EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!!! My reaction, laugh uncomfortably, and deny, deny, deny. (For the record it's not every day!)
From Carissa (about 3) in Best Buy, the man behind us is bald. "Mommy that man doesn't have any hair." I assure her it's ok and it's not nice to say. "But, he doesn't have ANY hair." I tell her I know, but that it's not nice to talk about (the man is glaring at me). "Why isn't it nice, he knows he doesn't have any hair?" My reaction? Ignore, ignore, ignore.
From Robert (about 4) brings a book to me on the couch. "Read me this fuckin' book." Me: " Excuse me?" ( I thought for sure I heard wrong.) "Read me the fuckin' book." Me: "What did you say?" (Surely, he didn't just say that?) "Mom, read me the FUCKIN' book!!!!" ME: (While trying not to laugh because as much as I know it's wrong it's terribly funny for a little child to cuss like that.) "That is not a nice word to use, please don't talk to me like that."
From Xander (a few months ago, age 3) anytime, anywhere, "Jackass". It was his catch phrase for awhile. And it was too dang funny. I tried to yell at him, but it was best just to ignore it. But, the best was that he only used it to refer to my husband and other people, never me. (I swear I didn't teach it to him.) One day we're all in the minivan and he pipes up, "There's a jackass in the car." Me: "Who?" Him: "Daddy". Cracked me up. Or he'd sit on the couch next to my husband and say, "I'm gonna sit next to you, you ass." Dead serious. Thank goodness he's stopped!
The all time worst though is when they tell you they are going to be sick. Before you can even utter a word, you usually have throw up all over you. I just HATE hearing those words because I know that I have no time to do anything!
On the other hand, they say some really sweet things too. And they more than make up for the bad things.
Of course, all the times they say, "I love you" or "You're the best mom ever" or when the boys tell me they want to marry me when they get older.
The cutest thing that Xander (3) says is every week when I get home from the grocery store. He comes to see all the stuff I've bought and every week, without fail, he'll tell me " Mom, I'm so happy you bought me __________. You make me so happy!" Like I've been starving the child or something! The other day he even told me, "Mom, I'm so proud of you for buying me Pop Tarts." Yay me!
Jocelyn (2) has started getting into the action too. When I tell the kids no, I usually say "No sir" or "No ma'am". When she's in trouble she'll give me those cute little puppy dog eyes and say, "YES sir?" and repeat numerous times even though I say no every time. It's so cute though. Or if I ask her to please do something, she'll tell me, "No sir".
Or the time when Carissa was about 5 and just shouted in the middle of Target, " I DON'T WANT TO KISS BOYS I WANT TO KISS GIRLS!!!" Ok, that's fine with me, really, I'm not pressuring you one way or the other! I have no idea what sparked that one!
So, what have your kids done to embarrass you in public? And what do they do to warm your heart?
Ok, I laughed until I had tears at Xander saying, "I'm going to sit next to you, you ass." That's hysterical!
Posted by: Laura | July 15, 2008 at 12:55 PM
I once, at the age, of, maybe 8 or so, informed a whole crowd of people that my father could find a hole, in the dark.
Adults everywhere falling out laughing whilst my mother turned beet red, and started smacking my father.
priceless.
Posted by: mielikki | July 16, 2008 at 02:58 AM
Oh my Gawd!! These were great...and I'm so sure there are many many more where those came from!!! A couple of summers, my oldest (then, 8yrs. old) got into a spat with his cousin and proceded to call him a "dickhead"...with that the whole family looked my direction!! And then he said, "Well, momma...he IS!!!"
Kids...you gotta love 'em, don't ya?!?! :-D
Posted by: debbie | July 16, 2008 at 08:42 AM
HOLYCRAP!! That is one funny post!!
Okay, a few months ago we were in the suburban and Ashton saw a fire TRUCK, only he doesn't quite get TRUCK right and says fire _uck. I start to correct him when Katlyn pipes in, "Its fire TRUCK, not _uck brother." He repeats himself and then she does. It went on like that for several minutes before they stopped and asked me what I was laughing about. It was really funny. Thank goodness he can say TRUCK now!!
Okay, my parents came back from a cruise and brought home some virgin pina colada mix and we made it. We had the little umbrellas and everything. The kids loved it. Well, we were in line at the grocery store and Katlyn asks in a very load voice if we can have pina coladas again tonight. Everyone glared at me. I almost died!!
Posted by: Lisa | July 16, 2008 at 12:04 PM
OMG! Those are hilarious comments!
My favorite one with my son, when he was about 4 -- we were in line at Barnes and Noble and a toddler was crying, and Zack asked why he was crying. I said, well, why do YOU cry sometimes? And he says, nice and loud, "When I have to go poop."
Posted by: Lori Anderson | July 16, 2008 at 12:45 PM
OMG! Those are so funny! I know my kids haev done funny things, but I'm laughing so hard over the things your kids said that they have slipped away. It's hell getting old.
Thanks for the laugh!
D
Posted by: Deb Legg | July 16, 2008 at 05:41 PM
stranger logging on.
My mom is gay.. i have worked to teach my kids what that means and about love and acceptance.
when my eldest was very little we were walking along and she pointed at this elderly gentleman and just hollered-
"This guy is a lesbian."
i was like no he isn't honey...
and she was like "YEAH HE IS A LESBIAN."
just like grandma.
well turns out he had a hearing aid *just like grandma..* and she had confused the word deaf with lesbian..
It didn't embarrass me though- maybe the old man.
but i dunno i love the things they say..heh
Posted by: hawkfeather | July 17, 2008 at 09:23 AM
OMG, I'm laughing so hard about the "jack ass" I can just picture it.
I can't remember anything funny or cute my children do because my memory has failed.
Posted by: Jenn | July 20, 2008 at 01:06 PM
heh heh, those are so funny. Miss M and E have done some classics but the worst ones always involve poo.
The funniest one I heard from someone else's kid was when I was settling Miss E into nursery and this prim little girl told me she was drawing a picture of her Daddy in her Mummy's bra. That one killed me. :D
Posted by: Jo Beaufoix | July 28, 2008 at 06:22 PM