Fairytales and Margaritas

Prayer Request

If you have a minute, please say a prayer for one of my dear friends who just found out she has breast cancer.  She is a young mother of two young boys (one Xander's age, one younger than Jocelyn).  She just got the diagnosis this week and will have to have her right breast removed and undergo chemo.

Please pray that she will recover and heal from this.  I am just sick thinking about it.  She is THE SWEETEST person. 

Thank you.

Random Thoughts Friday

Thanks for all the well wishes!

More on the job:  it's the one I applied for in February.  The government takes a LONG time to process things!  I'll be working for the Department of Homeland Security (same as Robert, but in a different job and different location).  I have to go through a background investigation that typically takes 1-2 months.  I applied because my boss now (the judge) will be retiring in 18 months.  I technically work for her and it would be up to the new judge if they'd like to keep me on.  Many times they bring their own staff to the position, so I didn't want to chance it.  Plus, judges can be a temperamental bunch and I didn't want to take my chances in that area either.   What really appeals to me about this new job:  the benefits (I'll be a fed, YAY!), the promotion potential (in 5 years I could be making more than twice what I'm making now), the flexible schedule (I'm hoping I could possibly work 4 10's), the ability to take vacation time whenever I want (I currently have to take time when my judge does), the change, the ability to retire at 53 (I'll have 20 years in then!).  What I'm going to miss:  the wonderful group of women I currently work with (I'll be working with mostly men), the ability to go out the lunch (my new office is in the middle of nowhere), my comfort zone (I've been here eight years and know my job and the people).  Overall, I'm excited and a bit nervous because the new job involved quite a few aspects (budget, human resources) that I haven't had a ton of experience in.

I am on vacation all of next week.  But, here's the kicker, the kids are in school (except for Monday)!  YAY me!  I may keep the little ones home from preschool on Wednesday, but Tuesday and Thursday are mine, all mine.   I'm going to do some sorting at home (my photo/scrapbooking closet), but then I'm going to the movies BY MYSELF (Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Baby Mama?) and getting my nails done and maybe walking around a store or two BY MYSELF!!!!  It will be so nice.  I tried to get my hubby to play hooky with me one day, but he's trying to work some overtime to pay off bills, so I don't think he's going to.

Then on Friday I'm going to Phoenix to visit my parents.  The ones that didn't come down last weekend for their granddaughter's 2nd birthday.  Whatever!  I'm actually meeting some of my online/real life friends for dinner on Friday.  Then hanging at my mom's on Saturday.  I may even stay Saturday night so that I can visit the only Steve and Barry's in the state on Sunday.  Think it's worth it?

Right now I'm trying to figure out where to go for lunch.  I'm trying to not spend too much and eat semi healthy, but nothing sounds good.  Suggestions?

I GOT THE JOB!!!!

i GOT IT!!! I GOT IT!!!!

I'M SO EXCITED! THEY JUST CALLED! I PROBABLY WON'T START FOR A MONTH OR TWO BC I HAVE TO HAVE A BACKGROUND INVESTIGATION, BUT I GOT IT!

Just pray that they're offering good pay. He said HR would discuss that with me and that's the only thing I'm nervous about!

UPDATE- They offered more than I was expecting!  YAY!

People are Like Onions (or Parfaits)

Sometimes I wonder how the person I've become meshes with the person that I am.  Most of you will say that they are one in the same, and they probably are.  But, in my mind I am a different person than the person that I've become.  Maybe my mind is just slow on the uptake.  Maybe I live in the past.  I don't know.

Most of the time, I'm happy with who I've become and what I've accomplished.  But, sometimes I play the "what if" game.  And sometimes I wonder if THIS is who I really am. 

Sometimes I want to peel all the layers of who I've become and find out what's underneath.  I want to shed my mother skin, my wife skin, my worker skin.  I just want to be ME without all the expectations.  Without all the "baggage".  But, I can't even begin to figure out who that person is.  I just know that some days I don't want to BE all those things. 

Some days I don't want to be the responsible, organized, honest, politically correct, humble, caring person.  Sometimes I want to blurt out inappropriate things or tell people to shut up.  Sometimes I don't want to have sex and don't want to feel guilty about it.  Sometimes I don't want to get people dressed, fed, etc.  Sometimes I just want to take care of myself without worrying about what others are doing, thinking, saying. 

But, this person that I am cannot do that.  Ever.  Sure, I take time for myself.  I read a book.   I get my nails done.  But, my mind is going the whole time.  And I have to set things up ahead of time.  What will the kids be doing.  When can I go when I'm not working.  Etc, etc.  Sometimes I don't want to worry about that stuff.  Sometimes I want to be selfish.

The closest I come to this is when I go out with the girls.  And I think this is true of most women in my situation.  The only time I can really cut loose without any expectations is when I'm with my girlfriends.  And even that's a struggle to make sure the kids are taken care of and we have enough money to go and everyone coordinates their schedules, etc.  But, when we're together, we don't expect anything of each other.  We all know what it feels like, so we don't put any expectations on each other.  We just have a good time.  And act juvenile.  And politically incorrect.  And it feels good.  (A lot of people have made reference to the craziness at BlogHer this week, and I think this is why some of us act that way.)  But, sometimes when we get back home, it's depressing.  Because we can only act like that for a short period of time.  Then the "burden" comes back.

And I really truly love my life.  But, sometimes it feels like everything is work.  And I know that I have to evolve as a person and can't be/act like a teenager for forever.  But, sometimes that depresses me.  I'm 33 and I've accomplished my "big" goals.  I have four kids, a husband, a nice house, a career.  What now?  I just coast for the next 20 years until we retire?  I'm a Gemini, I crave change.  I'm not saying I want to get rid of the kids or my husband.  But, I feel stagnant sometimes.  When I look at the big picture and see the next 20 years repeating the last 10 years I get claustrophobic. 

I guess my mind has to come to the realization that who I AM now is ME.  And I need to learn to love it.  I need to cherish my time with my kids and husband.  I need to learn to love the "new" me.  I've thought about taking classes here or there and starting new hobbies, but it seems like I just don't have the time or the money.  Maybe I just need a vacation!

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Have you ever heard of Pulmonary Haemosiderosis?  If you have of know someone who has, please visit Jo.  Her friend is suffering from this very uncommon, awful disease and she would like more information.  Thanks!

See No Evil, Eat No Evil?

So, we all know that I'm trying to eat healthy.  They say to let those around you know so that they can encourage you.  Well, everyone at work knows.  To the point that when they ask if I want to go out to lunch they quickly add, "somewhere healthy".  They're so sweet!  Usually I'll look up the menu online and figure out what I'm getting before we go.  So, one of my coworkers brought me this article the other day.

It's about the new law in New York City that says that chain restaurants must post the calorie count of each food in the same size and font as the price. 

My take:  Hooray!  I would love to have the information posted.  That way I don't have to look it up online and it will be readily available.  Plus, sometimes you think something is a healthy choice, yet find out it's not that healthy. 

Also, I think it forces restaurants to start serving healthier items.  It says that Starbucks is finding it sells out of their 80 calorie cookies moreso than anything else.  Why don't the restaurants take this as a sign that people want to eat healthier and cater to that?

But, some are criticizing it.  Saying they don't want to have the calorie count shoved in their face when they go out to eat.  And it's making them angry!  I say that's ridiculous!  If you chose to eat something high in calories, fine, that's your choice (I still make that choice sometimes, Island Fire Burger from Sonic, yummmmm).  But, to get upset because you are actually aware of how many calories you're eating?  Or to say that it ruins your dining experience?  I just don't get it.  One woman even asked for a menu without the calorie counts so that she would feel more comfortable eating.  Seriously?

I think part of this goes to personal responsibility.  People don't want to be forced to admit that THEY made bad decisions.  Just like the people that sue McDonald's because they're obese.  They can't admit that they KNEW the food wasn't good for them, but chose to eat it anyway. 

With this new law people are being forced to be aware of what they're eating.  There is no more claim that they "thought" they made a healthy choice.  Maybe it'll prevent some of those crazy lawsuits.

Or maybe some of these people should watch Supersize Me.  That movie will scare you off of fast food quick! 

(Don't get me wrong.  I don't care if you're skinny or fat, I don't care if you eat fast food or not (I do all the time), I don't care what YOU eat, that's your choice.  But, I don't think you should be allowed to sue a corporation for "making" you fat or unhealthy.  YOU choose what to put in your own mouth.)

Random Thoughts Thursday

** I am going crazy waiting to hear back about that federal job.  I had an interview two weeks ago and still haven't heard anything.  They made it sound like I got the job and that I'd hear something soon.  Yet, I haven't.

**To the guy that insisted on passing me and the construction truck on the shoulder this morning, only to have me be right on your ass 2 minutes later,  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

**I cannot find a purse that I like anywhere.  I see one I like, buy it, use it for a week or two and realize it doesn't work.  I need someone to custom make me the perfect purse.

**The kids have swim lessons tonight.  Jocelyn and I are the only females in her class.  The dads are all trying to chat with me which makes me uncomfortable since a) I'm in a bathing suit and not all that content with my body b) their wives are sitting on the deck watching us and I feel like they're glaring at me and c) my anti social husband is sitting on the deck too and I don't want him to think that I'm starting these conversations!

**My mom informed me that they are probably not coming to Jocelyn's b-day party this weekend.  Yet another grandchild's b-day party they miss because the 1 1/2 hour drive is too much.  And excuse after excuse.  Like that they can't miss church on Sunday for her party (which they could come after, but whatever) because they missed the last two weeks for a) yard work and b) to eat breakfast.  Does that logic make any sense?

**The kids started school on Monday and already Carissa's attitude is back.  She claims she needs a different backpack/bag because she can't carry all of her binders (they don't have lockers).  We've told her to try to work it out with her teachers.  I think she's misunderstanding something.  She has six classes and each needs a 2" binder (according to her), I can't believe the teachers would expect them all to carry all those binders around all day.  We're trying to have her solve her own problems instead of getting involved since she's in eighth grade.  But, she seems unwilling and instead pouts about it daily.  I'm tempted to just call the teachers myself to see what the real story is.

**I've been doing pretty good working out (3-4 times a week) and eating right,but haven't seen much physical change yet.  This is my third week.  Hopefully, I can be more consistent and it will start to show.

**I really need a break from work.  Now that I'm full time I just can't get things done.  I hate running errands and grocery shopping on the weekend because the stores are crowded and I rarely get time to just hang out with the kids.  I don't feel like I ever get a day to just chill out by the pool with the kids.  We're always on the go.  I'm exhausted!

Out of the Mouths of Babes

So, last Friday Black Hockey Jesus (one of the funniest guys ever) was doing his Best of Times/Worst of Times and it was about things kids say.  I left him some of our memorable ones in a comment, but after thinking about it, I remembered a whole bunch more. 

I swear, with four kids of various ages, sometimes I wish I could just shove a granola bar in their mouths when they start to speak in public (ya know, like the commercial).  Sometimes I can see it coming and it's like you're in slow motion and just cannot say anything loud enough or fast enough to stop it.  And after the damage is done I never know what to do:  ignore it or acknowledge it?   I usually just make some stupid comment like, "That's not nice to say." or " We don't talk like that."  But I wish I had something good to say.  Something that would make the person that my child just offended feel better.  Or think I was definitely handling my shit.  But, I think they usually think I'm raising my kids he wrong way.

Here are a few of my favorite bad lines from my kids:

From Carissa (3 at the time) in the grocery store, in the cart next to the polish sausage sections, "Ew, that looks like daddy's penis."  My reaction, walk away.  Leaving her in the cart by the sausage penises.

From Carissa (4 at the time)- She had spent the night at the ILs.  When they were bringing her back they informed us that she told them some good stories.  Especially the one about how mommy and daddy take showers together EVERY.SINGLE.DAY!!!  My reaction, laugh uncomfortably, and deny, deny, deny.  (For the record it's not every day!)

From Carissa (about 3) in Best Buy, the man behind us is bald.  "Mommy that man doesn't have any hair."  I assure her it's ok and it's not nice to say.  "But, he doesn't have ANY hair."  I tell her I know, but that it's not nice to talk about (the man is glaring at me).  "Why isn't it nice, he knows he doesn't have any hair?"  My reaction?  Ignore, ignore, ignore.

From Robert (about 4) brings a book to me on the couch.  "Read me this fuckin' book."  Me:  " Excuse me?"  ( I thought for sure I heard wrong.)  "Read me the fuckin' book."  Me:  "What did you say?"  (Surely, he didn't just say that?)  "Mom, read me the FUCKIN' book!!!!"  ME:  (While trying not to laugh because as much as I know it's wrong it's terribly funny for a little child to cuss like that.)  "That is not a nice word to use, please don't talk to me like that."

From Xander (a few months ago, age 3) anytime, anywhere, "Jackass".  It was his catch phrase for awhile.  And it was too dang funny.  I tried to yell at him, but it was best just to ignore it.  But, the best was that he only used it to refer to my husband and other people, never me.  (I swear I didn't teach it to him.)  One day we're all in the minivan and he pipes up, "There's a jackass in the car."  Me:  "Who?"  Him: "Daddy".  Cracked me up.  Or he'd sit on the couch next to my husband and say, "I'm gonna sit next to you, you ass."  Dead serious.  Thank goodness he's stopped!

The all time worst though is when they tell you they are going to be sick.  Before you can even utter a word, you usually have throw up all over you.  I just HATE hearing those words because I know that I have no time to do anything!

On the other hand, they say some really sweet things too.  And they more than make up for the bad things. 

Of course, all the times they say, "I love you" or "You're the best mom ever" or when the boys tell me they want to marry me when they get older.

The cutest thing that Xander (3) says is every week when I get home from the grocery store.  He comes to see all the stuff I've bought and every week, without fail, he'll tell me " Mom, I'm so happy you bought me __________.  You make me so happy!"  Like I've been starving the child or something!  The other day he even told me, "Mom, I'm so proud of you for buying me Pop Tarts."  Yay me!

Jocelyn (2) has started getting into the action too.  When I tell the kids no, I usually say "No sir" or  "No ma'am".  When she's in trouble she'll give me those cute little puppy dog eyes and say, "YES sir?"  and repeat numerous times even though I say no every time.  It's so cute though.  Or if I ask her to please do something, she'll tell me, "No sir". 

Or the time when Carissa was about 5 and just shouted in the middle of Target, " I DON'T WANT TO KISS BOYS I WANT TO KISS GIRLS!!!"  Ok, that's fine with me, really, I'm not pressuring you one way or the other!  I have no idea what sparked that one!

So, what have your kids done to embarrass you in public?  And what do they do to warm your heart?

And they grew- Part 5

No dear readers, I didn't leave.  Not then and not for a long time after.  I stayed for 10 months!!!  TEN FREAKIN MONTHS!!!  Luckily, he never got more physical than to push me into a wall, but the emotional abuse was there every single day. 

And, the only reason I left?  Because he met a new chick that had nice digs and decided to move in with her, essentially kicking me to the curb, literally. 

I had to summon the courage to call my parents and beg to come home (it was April by now).  That was the scariest day for me.  I had no idea what they would say.  I hadn't spoken to them since I left, not once. 

Thank god, they came to get me and let me come home.  We had some heart to heart talks and I started to grow stronger.  Until...

that ass started calling.  And asking me to hook up while his girlfriend was at work.  And (go ahead beat my 18yo self up, I want to too) I would go!!!  What in the world was wrong with me?

I was trying to get on with my life, working full time, going to nursing school, not going out at all (except to see HIM), really trying to get my life together.  Until that one day in August.

I was sitting at my desk at work and all of a sudden my insides just flopped.  Like I literally felt like I had swallowed a live fish and it was jumping around in my belly.  The next hours, day, are really a fog to me.  But, somehow I called my friend with a car and had her take me to Planned Parenthood (let me also add that my periods have always been WAY out of whack, skipping months, and that I was really skinny 98lbs and until that day hadn't gained a pound.)   I don't know why I thought I was pregnant, but I just did.  And sure enough I was.  I seriously don't even remember finding out or anything (I was already 24 weeks along).

I do remember going home and going to my room.  I do remember my mom coming in and asking me if I was pregnant (I guess she had suspected or else knew I was really, really upset and just assumed), I do remember telling her, I do remember her telling me to get out because she was afraid my father would say things he'd later regret when he heard, I do remember going to my friend's house for the night, I do remember coming home and the look of disappointment on my father's face.  I do remember all of that.  I also remember growing my balls, big and bold right there. 

THAT was the moment that I decided to stand up for myself and my baby.  There is no way I was going to take any shit from anyone anymore.  I called him, told him, had him tell me that he would never support me or the baby (which I knew from seeing him with his daughter), told him he'd never see her.  And that was the last of it.

I got my nursing certificate (had to go back to take my test because she was born on my test date), got a good paying full time job, didn't go out AT ALL for two years, paid for everything for her (although I still lived at my parents house), took care of her (except when I was working) and took care of me.  Cut out all those bad influences in my life.  Learned to be independent, learned to be assertive, learned I was worth it and so was she. 

One day, when she was about 2 months old he had the nerve to call.  I took the call.  He said he'd like to see her (he'd heard through friends that she'd been born).  I stood up to him!  I told him no, not ever.  I told him she was mine and not his.  And I've stuck to my guns for 13 years (not that he ever called again).

I've learned how to take care of myself.  I think I've learned a little too well.  Sometimes I feel bad for my husband because I can be a little TOO assertive or a little TOO independent sometimes.  And he knows flat out that I don't put up with anything.  I leave in a heartbeat if it's the best thing for me and/or the kids (luckily it's never even come close to that).

While I hate that this happened to me and I hate that I had to learn this way, I don't regret it.  It's made me who I am today and I've got a beautiful daughter to boot.

**For the record:  She does know that her bio dad is not her current dad (we met when she was 2), I have been open to talking about him and haven't bad mouthed him, but she hasn't expressed a desire to know him at all.  We'll cross that bridge if/when we come to it.  As a father was never listed on her birth certificate (boy was that a smart move) I was able to have my husband sign an affidavit and he is listed as her dad.  And he is.

Part 4

So, a little more background information before I start in with the juicy stuff.  This next part happened right after I turned 18 and graduated high school.  Because of all the trouble I got in in high school my parents informed me they weren't paying for my college (biggest mistake, not only did I have no goal/agenda anymore, I was spiteful).  They went away one weekend, I had a big drinking party, my grandma came over the next morning while the place was still a mess.  I moved out before they came home.  I lived with a friend for a bit (her parents were divorcing and her mom had moved in with her new husband, so the old house was empty except for us).  While I was living with her, I met HIM.  (By the way, at the time, he was 25.)

I had met HIM a few times before.  One of my friends "dated" him, so if I was with her I'd see him around.  She and I had a falling out at some point.  I think she was still "dating"  him when I saw him at the club one night.  I was waiting for someone is a kindof secluded spot.  He walked over and just kissed me.  Like full on, total kiss.  I thought I'd made it to the big time.  He noticed me!  He was interested in me!  And at the club, where he could have anyone! 

We hung out a bit that night.  And quite a bit every time I went to the club.  Eventually, I started hanging out at his house.  I had a part time job, but otherwise I wasn't really doing anything except clubbing and hanging out. He didn't have a job (RED FLAG #1), so we hung out a lot.  He made me feel good about myself.  He was older, good looking, popular, etc.  He said sweet things to me and made my self esteem high.

When my friend's mom sold the house and we had to move, it was natural that I would just move in with him (I still hadn't even talked to my parents).  So, I did.  We had a lot of fun.  We hung out, we went clubbing.  It was like we had our own little life.  I wasn't worried about much. 

Until he started showing his true colors.  He'd invite other people back to our place after the club.  At first I didn't think anything of it, we'd hang out and/or play videos games.  But, then I started to realize that it was usually another couple and another single girl that would come over.  And some of the single girls were REALLY friendly with him.  But, I still didn't think much because I was there ALL THE TIME.  I didn't think he was really doing anything.

Boy, was I wrong.  He would say he was going to the store and hook up with another girl, I would go to work and he'd hook up with another girl, he'd say he was going to his mom's and hook up with another girl.  I bet he even left the club sometimes, hooked up and then came back. 

He started not even caring if I knew.  He started being open about it.  Yet, telling me that they meant nothing, that I was the one he "loved".  He was still able to sweet talk me into thinking things were ok.

But, then, he started bringing them home!  To our house!  These other girls.  We'd be hanging out and all of a sudden they'd get up and go into the bedroom.  The first time I didn't know what to do (remember, this was BB- before balls).  There were always other people at the house, so I usually just stayed out in the living room with them.  Sometimes I'd cry, sometimes I'd pout, sometimes I'd get mad.  But, I didn't say anything- at first. 

I didn't really think I had any options.  It had been months since I moved out of my parent's house and I hadn't talked to them once.  I had cut off contact with the few friends that I had.  HE was my life.  HE was all I had. 

I would try to confront him, but he'd just sweet talk me into believing he really cared for me.  (I'm telling you, looking back I have NO IDEA what I was thinking.)  At one point I faked a pregnancy thinking that would make him stop.  NOPE.  He already had a 5 year old daughter and it really didn't phase him at all.  I honestly didn't know what to do.  I didn't want to live like that, but I didn't really know of any other option.

One day, he brought this girl home and introduced me to her as his roommate.  I made a comment about how there's only one bedROOM, so I guess that's when I was his mate.  He threw a glass of soda at my head.  It made a mess everywhere.  She didn't seem phased though and they went on to do their business while I stood there wet and humiliated.  But, I STILL stayed.

If you ever wonder why women stay in abusive relationships, I'll tell you, you wouldn't understand until you lived it.  These men are manipulative.  They know how to charm you.  They know how to build you up and knock you down.  When they do that all the time you feel the highest highs and the lowest lows.  It's almost like a drug.  And, they pray on women who aren't used to standing up for themselves.

Next time, how I got out and grew those balls.

Balls, balls and more balls- Part 3

I know you're thinking, "Why the hell is this story so long?"  Let me just say, that I think you need the backstory so you can understand the frame of mind I was in when I get to the good part.  Let me also say, that this will be my last post this week, I will continue next week.  To be honest, the 3 years that I'm writing about were the darkest years of my life.  Most of the time I have blocked them out of my memory and life.  I honestly have a hard time remembering/realizing that I was this way.  A really hard time.  All this stuff is so NOT me in the now.  But, it did shape the me in the now.

So, my best friend (supposedly) lied about me and at this point I feel like everyone is against me.  Girls are lying two faced bitches, guys just want sex, my parents think I'm ruining my life.  These thoughts lead me into a downward spiral.  A big, quick downward spiral.  I started thinking that I didn't want friends, I wanted to use people like they used me.  I had a girlfriend with a car that I used just for that (I didn't get my license til I was 19), I had a girlfriend that had money and I used her for that, I had a girlfriend that had club connections and I used her for that.  I decided that if I just used people and didn't really become friends with them that they couldn't hurt me. 

I also began to realize that if I put out, guys would like me.  Maybe not the "right" guys or the "good" guys, but some would.  And all I wanted was that feeling of acceptance.  No matter what I had to do to get it.  So, naturally, I started using that power.  And I really felt that it was power.  I had power over these guys.  I could control them.  Just by doing one thing.  I used my power to get guys to cheat on their girlfriends, I used my power to not be lonely, I used my power to be popular.  I should add that most of my "power" was used at the club on older guys.  I wasn't really into the high school scene anymore. 

And, I didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.  My parents already thought the worst of me.  (I should add that I don't blame my parents, I WAS acting out and they were right to think I was doing drugs, even though I haven't done a single drug, and ruining my life.  The only thing I blame them for was not realizing how awful that move was for me.)  Girls didn't like me, but they hadn't before anyway.  I didn't like me, but I really wasn't thinking about that.  I was just thinking that I was powerful and that I was "loved" by many.  I was "accepted" by many.  I put that in quotes because looking back I now know that it wasn't love or acceptance.  That THEY were using ME.  But, at the time I didn't know.

One night at the club (I tended to go to the club 3-4 times a week after I graduated high school, this happened right around that time) I met this guy.  He was THE guy in the club.  EVERYONE knew him.  Girls were always trying to talk to him.  The girl that brought me there had "dated" him.  The bouncers gave him special treatment.  He was THE guy.

To be continued...