Balls, balls and more balls- Part 3

I know you're thinking, "Why the hell is this story so long?"  Let me just say, that I think you need the backstory so you can understand the frame of mind I was in when I get to the good part.  Let me also say, that this will be my last post this week, I will continue next week.  To be honest, the 3 years that I'm writing about were the darkest years of my life.  Most of the time I have blocked them out of my memory and life.  I honestly have a hard time remembering/realizing that I was this way.  A really hard time.  All this stuff is so NOT me in the now.  But, it did shape the me in the now.

So, my best friend (supposedly) lied about me and at this point I feel like everyone is against me.  Girls are lying two faced bitches, guys just want sex, my parents think I'm ruining my life.  These thoughts lead me into a downward spiral.  A big, quick downward spiral.  I started thinking that I didn't want friends, I wanted to use people like they used me.  I had a girlfriend with a car that I used just for that (I didn't get my license til I was 19), I had a girlfriend that had money and I used her for that, I had a girlfriend that had club connections and I used her for that.  I decided that if I just used people and didn't really become friends with them that they couldn't hurt me. 

I also began to realize that if I put out, guys would like me.  Maybe not the "right" guys or the "good" guys, but some would.  And all I wanted was that feeling of acceptance.  No matter what I had to do to get it.  So, naturally, I started using that power.  And I really felt that it was power.  I had power over these guys.  I could control them.  Just by doing one thing.  I used my power to get guys to cheat on their girlfriends, I used my power to not be lonely, I used my power to be popular.  I should add that most of my "power" was used at the club on older guys.  I wasn't really into the high school scene anymore. 

And, I didn't give a damn what anyone else thought.  My parents already thought the worst of me.  (I should add that I don't blame my parents, I WAS acting out and they were right to think I was doing drugs, even though I haven't done a single drug, and ruining my life.  The only thing I blame them for was not realizing how awful that move was for me.)  Girls didn't like me, but they hadn't before anyway.  I didn't like me, but I really wasn't thinking about that.  I was just thinking that I was powerful and that I was "loved" by many.  I was "accepted" by many.  I put that in quotes because looking back I now know that it wasn't love or acceptance.  That THEY were using ME.  But, at the time I didn't know.

One night at the club (I tended to go to the club 3-4 times a week after I graduated high school, this happened right around that time) I met this guy.  He was THE guy in the club.  EVERYONE knew him.  Girls were always trying to talk to him.  The girl that brought me there had "dated" him.  The bouncers gave him special treatment.  He was THE guy.

To be continued...

Comments

[holly]

wow!!! i wasn't thinking 'why is this story so long.' i was amazed at the honesty of it. these are tough things you're telling us. it makes me think about people i knew who were similar, and what they may have turned out like. i'd love to know at least one of them was as wonderful as you. :)

[Sybil Law]

Aw, damn you! I was just catching up (I read the others) and now I have to wait til next week for the conclusion?! You tease!!!!
But I must go - did the guy wear a Members Only jacket?! Haha
:)
I can't wait to read more!!!

[Sybil Law]

I meant, I must KNOW...
Blame it on the fact that I still feel like I'm on a boat. ;)

[Sybil Law]

I meant, I must KNOW...
Blame it on the fact that I still feel like I'm on a boat. ;)

[Jamie]

I forgive you for the cliff hanger. I just wanted to add that I have added you to my new and improved blogroll on my blog.

[Summer]

Uh oh. I'm worried about what will happen next.

[manager mom]

Yikes...this is sounding like a ill-conceived "romance" I had with a 24 year old when I was 16...which wound up with me paying several attorneys a great deal of money...