And so it begins. My first week of full time work since January 2005. Yikes! It's daunting to think about it, really. Don't get me wrong, I've worked all my life, with the exception of a few maternity leaves. But, the last time I worked full time I only had 2 kids and a much smaller house. And going BACK to full time work after the wonderful experience of part time work is a big adjustment. For all of us.
Although this is my first week actually working full time, I took the kids to their new preschool last week for a transition period. The first day went great. I don't think either one realized exactly what was going on. Jocelyn cried a bit, but Xander was excited and did great. But, with each passing day they get more crabby in the morning. And the pleas become louder and sadder. Although, I do think that Jocelyn is transitioning fairly well. She cries for a bit when we get there, but they assure me that she settles and had a good day, although she doesn't like to eat there. But, that's just her, she's picky and she likes to graze as opposed to sitting for meals. But, Xander has so much anxiety each morning. Yet, when we pick him up he's excited and loves to talk about what they've done. He loves playing on the playground and doing projects and will talk all about it. Until the next morning arrives. Then he hates it and never wants to go back. I'm praying that after another week or so this won't happen anymore.
But, those little pleas pull at my heartstrings. And that inner turmoil starts. Why AM I working full time? It's certainly not for the money as preschool sucks up every extra penny I'm making. Why now, why not in a few years? Is it bad to have someone else "raise" my kids for eight hours every day? Why don't I just stay home?
AM I A BAD MOM?
I know the answers to all of those questions. I'm doing it because my boss asked me to. She prefers that I don't job-share anymore. And I respect her and love to work for her, so I agreed to it. I'm doing it now because that's when it happened. And because I applied for that other full time job and I figure it'd be good for them to see that I'm already back full time in case they would be hesitant to hire me because of that (and if I was to get THAT job I'd be making a TON more money). It's not bad to have someone else care for my kids every day. And it's not every day, just four days a week. I truly think that they do BETTER with someone else. Someone else is better about getting them on a schedule and interacting with them more. When I'm home with the two little ones I'm always doing something around the house or running errands. Or Jocelyn is taking up the time I'd like to spend with Xander. And every day is different, some days we leave the house others we don't. There's not a lot of consistency. And I don't stay home because I just can't. Financially it'd be really tight, but mentally I'd be a mess if I stayed home full time. I'm just not one of those moms.
And I don't think I'm a bad mom, either. But, when your heartstrings are tugged, it's hard not to feel guilty. And it's an age old struggle that all mothers face. To work or not to work. And people judge each decision. And I think WE each judge our own decisions. It's just hard. Hard to find a good balance. Hard to be happy with the decisions we've made.
Hard to listen to those little cries and see those tears in the morning.
oh hon, Xander will settle. It took Miss M about 3 weeks to settle at Nursery, and it was really hard, but she loves it now and can't wait to get there.
When Miss M is at home she doesn't always get the best of me either, or consistency. Xander and Joceyln are getting some fab interaction, and a mummy who is happy and can spend focused quality time with them when she gets home.
Hugs.
Posted by: Jo Beaufoix | April 07, 2008 at 03:01 PM
great post Lori.
Posted by: CamiKaos | April 07, 2008 at 03:06 PM
Oh friend. You are one of the MOST amazing mamas I know. I am sure the two wee ones are just going through adjustment pains. I bet the day will come when they cry when they aren't going to school!! ;) I know it must be so hard on everyone right now, but I would just bet things will be rockin' in just the right rhythm in no time!
Posted by: Megan@SortaCrunchy | April 07, 2008 at 04:11 PM
I hope the kids settle in. Don't judge yourself so harshly! I'm sure it's hard right now, but it will get easier.
Best of luck!
Posted by: bubblewench | April 08, 2008 at 04:15 AM
*Hugs* mama. I hear you, especially about someone else raising your kids for...well for us, it's 9 hours a day. But I'm totally with you as far as this: "Someone else is better about getting them on a schedule and interacting with them more." That's so true for us too. And you are a great mom. Don't you forget it!
Posted by: Shannon | April 08, 2008 at 06:16 AM
I think, no matter what, we're always gonna be wondering if we're doing things "right". If they weren't there, you'd probably wonder eventually if you were a bad mommy for not letting them go to preschool and socialize. You know?!
Good luck. Those strings can HURT!!!
Posted by: Sybil Law | April 08, 2008 at 01:28 PM
so many hugs mama! I hope that the little struggles soon are behind you and everyone is happy. It isn't easy to adjust....but once you have, it might be better than you even imagined.
Posted by: Corey | April 08, 2008 at 03:55 PM
Oh girl!!! I am so sorry you are feeling so heartsick. I know those feelings, and it is so hard to deal with. I hope the kiddos fall into a good solid routine soon.
Hugs! I hope you know that you are such a wonderful person and mother!
Posted by: Julie | April 08, 2008 at 08:19 PM
i am sooo lucky. my boy LOVES his childminder. some days a little *too* much...
you know - my mom was a stay-at-home-mom. and i KNOW i give my kids a LOT more love and attention than she gave me. *that* is what keeps me going. i'm sure it's the same for you. :)
Posted by: holly | April 09, 2008 at 02:28 PM