Fairytales and Margaritas

The Evolution of a Home

I was thinking the other day about how our thoughts and concepts about "home" change as we grow up.

As a child growing up in my parents homes, I always wanted someone else's house.  I always thought someone else had something cooler (like a pool) or bigger or neater.  They always had better rooms and bigger rooms.  Luckily, I never had to share a room since I was the only girl.  But, that meant that I had the smallest room.  And when you're a kid you usually have to keep someone else's house clean and help THEM clean it.  And those are awful things when you're a kid.  I was never happy enough with my parent's houses, even though we had some nice ones.

Then you get older and decide to branch out.  Usually it's to a dorm or apartment.  Sometimes you share with multiple people.  I sure did.  And boy did that perfectionism of a house fade.  I lived in a DUMP!  And I didn't care.  I was on my own, in a sense, even though I had tons of people living in that little apartment.  We didn't clean, we didn't decorate, it was small.  But, we were happy.  We didn't care about all that materialistic stuff because we were making it on our own.

But, those thoughts fade, QUICKLY.  You can only be happy in a dump for so long.  Then I started having those ideas of grandeur again.  But, wanting to own it myself, not live in someone else's ideal.

But, as with most young couples, we couldn't afford our dream home right off.  So, we settled on an apartment.  It was small and on the second floor, but we were young and in love and it was OURS.  That worked for awhile too.  Until we wanted something more permanent.  And we had to move because he made a career change.

Unfortunately, we bought our first house is a teeny, tiny town.  Where nothing had been built for 30 years.  Seriously.  It was an old mining town that had gone under.  It was really small (2,000 people) and away from the city (2 hours).  So, our first house that we owned was 30 years old, small, in need of repair and the ugliest pink and brown you'd ever seen.

And even though we were still young and in love and starting out this adventure, there were no illusions.  The place was a dump.  No matter how much paint I slapped on the walls and how much time and money I threw into it.  It was awful.  I never felt that that house was home.  Never.  It was just a resting point between here and there.  I always felt that way.  I actually laughed when some other sucker bought it from us.   Because I knew.

But, now we have our dream house.  We built it.  Not US, but we had it built.  To our specifications.  We changed the plans to accommodate our needs.   We thought and planned and fought and researched and built exactly what we wanted.  The process sucked, bit time!  But, we've got what we wanted.  And I decorated it just how I wanted.

And we're finally, after three years, almost completely done with all of the building, landscaping, projects!  The finish is in sight.  And the feeling is unbelievable.  To finally have what we wanted and just be able to enjoy it. 

We've said that the only time we'll move again is when we retire.  Even if we win the lottery.  And I'm not kidding.  Now, if we win the lottery, I'm sure we'd add on a guest house/game room, but that's all.  We really thought it all out and got exactly what we wanted. 

So, even though I now have to clean the whole thing and keep the whole thing maintained, I can 100% say that I'm happy and that I'm home.

Blah!

I had an idea for a cool post today, but I'm just feeling blah.

I just found out that there's pretty much no way in hell I got that other job.  Other people are hearing that they are only referring people who scored 101 or above (you can get up to 10 veteran's points) for the openings.  I'm not even close!

I was really holding out hope.  That hope was what was making working full time bearable.  Now that the hope isn't there I can't justify working full time.  But, I don't know how to tell my boss.  She'd be really disappointed.  Like disappointing a parent.

And, now I'm still stuck trying to find something that pays as much as I make now or more within the next two years when she retires.  And it's not easy.  There aren't many opportunities out there.

So, I'm kindof in a funk.

The Telephone Voice

Do you know what I'm talking about?  Do you use a different voice when you talk on the phone?  Not like a fake accent or anything.

My husband and kids say I have a "phone voice".  It's my polite, super sweet voice. 

And since they've pointed it out, I realize that I do.  Whenever I answer the phone my whole demeanor changes.  I turn into this super nice person.  Even if two seconds ago I was yelling at the kids.  Or if I'm at work and completely frustrated, that phone rings and "nice Lori" turns on.

It's so weird.  Because I don't do it consciously.  I don't really give a rat's ass if the telemarketers think I'm nice or not.  And when I get jerks on the phone at work I don't want to be nice to them, I want to tell them to take a flying leap.

But, something comes over me.  I instantly change.  I'm all sugar and spice.  Why?  Why do I do this? 

Please tell me I'm not alone.  Please tell me that your alter ego answers the phone too!

The Dating Couple

I'm sure seeing that title you're thinking this post will be about a couple of single people that are dating.  But, it's not.  It's about a married couple dating another married couple.  And not like that either.

You know how it is when you're single and dating?  You try out different people.  Some you click with, some you don't.  Some you try really hard to like because your friends like them or you know they'd be a good match, but it just doesn't work out. 

And when you're dating you usually go to dinner or the movies or other fun things. 

Well, I have to say that being a married couple and finding friends to hang out with is much the same.  Except harder.  Because YOU need to like the couple and so does your spouse.  And they BOTH need to like both of you.  It's a VERY delicate balance.  (Especially when, as a couple you are very different.)

We've been lucky in the past that the people that my husband works with and likes to hang out with have had cool wives that I've enjoyed hanging out with.  But, we moved within the last few years and things have changed.  He works 60 miles away from our house and most of the people that he works with live closer to work.  And he works with a lot of single guys. 

We've had a hard time finding other couples that we really mesh with.  And that's hard for me because I'm what some call a social butterfly.

We've tried dating some couples.  One is a good friend that I work with and her husband.  But, my husband just doesn't get along with them very well.  We've tried a few couples that he knows from work, but we just don't see them very often.

But, just recently, we've found our "partners".  I've actually been hanging out with her for the last three years, we met shortly after we moved here.  And her husband is actually in the same profession as my husband, just at a different location.  We've gotten together a few times and things have gone well.  My husband even contacted her last year to help plan my surprise birthday party!So, us girls have been plotting ways to get together more often. 

This weekend we had a BBQ at their house.  And things went really well.  The guys grilled and talked.  The girls drank and talked.  The kids destroyed their house, but had fun doing it.  We all played some Wii.  It was just a nice relaxing time.  And EVERYONE enjoyed themselves.   My very quiet husband was even texting her this weekend in preparation for the BBQ! It was great! 

Now, we have plans to go to the upcoming Metallica concert (ROCK ON!) and camping in June!  Let's hope this is the start to a long-term relationship.  Because everyone knows good friends are hard to find!

Food, glorious food

I just ate some Mandarin Kung Pao chicken from my favorite place, Pei Wei.   When I'm stressed out, especially at work, food seems to make me happier.  Or should I say, food that I don't need to prepare.

For some reason, eating out makes me all kinds of happy.  I'm happy to be waited on, I'm happy that everyone can order what THEY like (meaning I don't have to hear grumblings about how awful whatever I've made is), I'm happy that I don't have to cook, I'm happy that I don't have to clean up.  It just makes me happy.  Plus, it just tastes better.

Today, I've been super stressed.  We had a bad morning drop off yesterday and an even worse evening.  Xander's gotten sick from school, Jocelyn is teething and won't sleep.  I feel like the world is closing in on me.  After Jocelyn cried all evening I finally got her to sleep.  Then she woke and wouldn't settle again.  She kept wanting to climb on TOP of me to go to sleep.  When I wouldn't let her she just screamed her head off. 

And it was too much.  I just walked out of her room and broke down.  Had me a little breakdown while my husband tended to her.

So, needless to say, I wasn't in the greatest mood this morning for work.  Then thing after thing has gone wrong.  I can't access my computer program, someone filed an emergency hearing without even calling me to give me a heads up, I had to move a hearing, a probation officer complained that he didn't get notice of something, blah, blah, blah. 

So, I decided on some food therapy.  And it worked.  I DO feel better.   Let's just hope this doesn't continue or I get as big as a house!

THE Plan

Do you have a PLAN?  Have you written it down?  Was it hard?  Have you had one for long?

My husband and I don't have a plan.  Or a Will in other words.

It's one of those things that you put off and put off.  I mean, seriously, who wants to think about their own death?  And how in the world do you decide what you want for your children if you were to die?  Seriously.  I don't even want it to approach the outer circles of my thoughts. 

But, we've got to be responsible.  Both of our families have "issues", so we'd like to spell things out as clearly as possible.  N0 sense in letting the crazies decide for themselves!  Plus, we're done having children and we've moved into our "forever home".  So, things should be pretty stable from here on out (knock on wood).

Luckily with my husband's job they stress how important having a will is.  Especially for people in law enforcement.  So, they are providing free services to get our wills drawn up.  We have appointments on the 26th.

But, oh, the things we have to think about up until that point.  And the decisions that must be made.  Who will care for the children?  How do we want our vast wealth (insert sarcastic giggle here) split up?  Who will be pissed off the most at our decisions?

Just thinking about those things brings up images of life without me or us.  And it's not pretty.  I'm no saint, but YIKES!  To think of others raising the kids that WE decided to bring into this world.  That WE know best.  That WE have shaped and molded.  Ugh, it's a scary thought.

So, while we're going to be responsible and talk about it and formalize it.  I pray that the kids are old and married with grandchildren of their own before they ever have to see our wills!

The Inner Struggle

And so it begins.  My first week of full time work since January 2005.  Yikes!  It's daunting to think about it, really.  Don't get me wrong, I've worked all my life, with the exception of a few maternity leaves.  But, the last time I worked full time I only had 2 kids and a much smaller house.  And going BACK to full time work after the wonderful experience of part time work is a big adjustment.  For all of us.

Although this is my first week actually working full time, I took the kids to their new preschool last week for a transition period.  The first day went great.  I don't think either one realized exactly what was going on.  Jocelyn cried a bit, but Xander was excited and did great.  But, with each passing day they get more crabby in the morning.  And the pleas become louder and sadder.  Although, I do think that Jocelyn is transitioning fairly well.  She cries for a bit when we get there, but they assure me that she settles and had a good day, although she doesn't like to eat there.  But, that's just her, she's picky and she likes to graze as opposed to sitting for meals.  But, Xander has so much anxiety each morning.  Yet, when we pick him up he's excited and loves to talk about what they've done.  He loves playing on the playground and doing projects and will talk all about it.  Until the next morning arrives.  Then he hates it and never wants to go back.  I'm praying that after another week or so this won't happen anymore.   

But, those little pleas pull at my heartstrings.  And that inner turmoil starts.  Why AM I working full time?  It's certainly not for the money as preschool sucks up every extra penny I'm making.  Why now, why not in a few years?  Is it bad to have someone else "raise" my kids for eight hours every day?  Why don't I just stay home?

AM I A BAD MOM?

I know the answers to all of those questions.  I'm doing it because my boss asked me to.  She prefers that I don't job-share anymore.  And I respect her and love to work for her, so I agreed to it.  I'm doing it now because that's when it happened.  And because I applied for that other full time job and I figure it'd be good for them to see that I'm already back full time in case they would be hesitant to hire me because of that (and if I was to get THAT job I'd be making a TON more money).  It's not bad to have someone else care for my kids every day.  And it's not every day, just four days a week.  I truly think that they do BETTER with someone else.  Someone else is better about getting them on a schedule and interacting with them more.  When I'm home with the two little ones I'm always doing something around the house or running errands.  Or Jocelyn is taking up the time I'd like to spend with Xander.  And every day is different, some days we leave the house others we don't.  There's not a lot of consistency.  And I don't stay home because I just can't.  Financially it'd be really tight, but mentally I'd be a mess if I stayed home full time.  I'm just not one of those moms.

And I don't think I'm a bad mom, either.  But, when your heartstrings are tugged, it's hard not to feel guilty.  And it's an age old struggle that all mothers face.  To work or not to work.  And people judge each decision.  And I think WE each judge our own decisions.  It's just hard.  Hard to find a good balance.  Hard to be happy with the decisions we've made. 

Hard to listen to those little cries and see those tears in the morning.